By: Derek, Olympics Snob

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I Won ‘t Even Watch The Olympics Until The Track And Field 800m Starts

Oh it ‘s that time of year again, alright. I can feel the summer heat thicken with the sad-happy tears of you AMATEUR Olympics fans. Getting your inspirational jollies off the (basically) scripted melodrama of pre-teen gymnasts with grit and small-town swimmers with style that the mass media and the GREAT PEACOCK HIMSELF, NBC, force-feed you every 4 years during the anything-goes carnival that the Summer Olympics has become.

You gymnastics “fans ‘ and swimming-heads ‘heck, even you judo, weightlifting, and Greco-Roman 75kg Wrestling FREAKS ‘can go sit on a tack. Everyone who is anyone knows: the Olympics aren ‘t even worth watching until the men ‘s track and field 800m race starts.

And all your consumerist glut for exhibitionist events like archery, boxing, and canoe sprint, and the sad little tales of participants ‘ hope and sacrifice therein, is ruining the Olympics for purists like me. They are all sports dilettantes playing games, the mens ‘ 800m competitors are ATHLETES playing OLYMPIC SPORTS.

And to be honest, I don ‘t even watch the entire 800m race. True Olympic fans are really only interested in the middle 400 meters. The first 200 is random shuffling of bodies and the last 200 meters to the finish line is for Wheaties-wannabe glory-boys. The middle 400 meters is where true determination, athleticism, skill, inspiration, and most of all, OLYMPIC SPIRIT is personified.

A snapshot from when the Summer Olympics was ONLY the men ‘s 800m Finals. When men were men.

Frankly, I have no time for the hack-thletes you fawn over in a tape-delayed stupor from deep within the cushions of your butt-sweat-sopped La-Z-Boyz. I have better things to do like reading and having long interesting conversations with old ladies.

What really gets me is how all you devoted Olympic watchers out there just gobble down whatever slopped up storylines NBC and its ADVERTISING PARTNERS spoon shovel into your dumb gaping mouths about any and all of the “events” (While only spending 10 minutes MAX on the men ‘s 800m, by the way).

You accept whatever THEY say is important and whoever THEY decide to be heroes (Which, hhmm, rarely happen to be the men ‘s 800m athletes. I wonder why that happens? I ‘m sure McDonald ‘s and their BILLIONS of dollars invested in advertising a food that is UNHEALTHY for men ‘s 800m runners has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with it ‘sure, right, uh-huh that makes sense.).

But by all means, bend over and GET FUCKED by whatever punched-up Hollywood heroes tale the corporate media decides to expose this summer. Let ‘s take a look at a few:

Michael Phelps? Yeah, fast in the water is one thing but I ‘ll respect that pile of gold medals a lot more when you can RUN FAST FOR TWO LAPS ON A 400m OUTDOOR TRACK.

Simone Biles? Yeah, a 19 year old shouldering a world ‘s weight of expectation staying poised while on a razor ‘s edge of a balance beam is tough but you know what ‘s tougher: HITTING THE 1:46.00 TIME STANDARD IT TAKES TO QUALIFY FOR THE OLYMPICS IN THE MEN ‘S 800 METERS.

Allyson Felix? Sure you can run fast for one lap but WHAT ABOUT TWO LAPS?!

The middle 400m of the men ‘s 800m Final at the 2012 Olympics. The last time I watched sports.

And don ‘t even MENTION the winter olympics (sic on the uncapitalization). I respect Nordic cultures in diet and horror movies, sure, but their sports are climate dependent, sloppy, and never cover exactly 800 meters like REAL Olympic sports.

As a side note: The time and money wasted on the non-competitive pomp and circumstance of the Olympics is downright criminal. n00bs fawn all over the Opening Ceremonies (“Ooh, look at the exotic fashions! ‘ “What a giant weird sculpture they ‘re climbing on! ‘ “How ‘d they get so many drums ‘ ‘ etc.) while real Olympic fans like me are busy living actual lives and doing things that make a difference in the world like opening up small businesses that help the environment or developing apps. Real fans like to use their time productively until Monday August 15th at 9:26pm EST (approximately when the middle half of the men ‘s 800m starts).

But by all means, fill your days watching hour after hour of corporate narrative masquerading as inspiring Olympic athlete stories. It ‘s a free country, until November (unless Jill Stein is elected). But if you ‘re anything like me, you know there are only 8 actual Olympic athletes (the men ‘s 800m final field) and you only care about half their race and also you only feel pleasure if you are making someone else feel inferior.

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