By: Jason Flowers
Expect these tweets to take their rightful place on the Olympic podium.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
‘ rob whisman (@robwhisman) August 8, 2016
I like when the Olympics happens because it reminds people to expect less of me.
‘ Danielle Grace (@danimgrace) August 8, 2016
The Olympic events I would excel at most would be Buttering and Cryathlon.
‘ Paula Pell (@perlapell) August 6, 2016
Why do we have different swimming strokes in the Olympics? It would be like if we had the 100m dash and then the 100m goofy trot.
‘ Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) August 7, 2016
sorry but the only “summer games” i'm interested in is the cruel wager my wife and i have made to see who can first seduce our au pair
‘ dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) August 8, 2016
Watching Olympics proves I shouldn't be on a jury cause it only takes 30 seconds of back story for me to root for someone unconditionally
‘ Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) August 8, 2016
“Mom, what happens after we die?”
“Our bodies become Rio Olympics beach volleyballs.” pic.twitter.com/XKPr1B4rHa
‘ Kashana (@kashanacauley) July 1, 2016
What kind of bouncy house does your son want?
He likes the Olympics, sports, turtles, ties, 2/3 of North America… pic.twitter.com/VWJVpl3BbL
‘ Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) April 24, 2016
As I’m watching the RIO Olympics, I’m seeing a lot of buildings that were destroyed in FAST FIVE. I’m glad they rebuilt the city.
‘ SEAN O’CONNOR (@seanoconnz) August 6, 2016
Can we spice up swimming at the Olympics a little by having someone's fat dad swimming in one lane?
‘ Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) August 9, 2016
Michael Phelps now has more gold medals than there are episodes of Freaks and Geeks.
‘ Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) August 8, 2016
What if bc of the Olympics it's super in to have gymnasts' powder on your legs this summer. Just a few poofs of it.
‘ Kassia (@kassiamiller) June 5, 2016
OLYMPICS ANNOUNCER: We now go to Men's Fencing…
*cut to guy in overalls installing a chain link fence*
FENCE GUY: [looking at camera] What
‘ pat tobin (@tastefactory) August 8, 2016
Fears of the Zika virus will probably keep me from watching the Olympic men ‘s tennis doubles.
‘ Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) July 8, 2016
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
‘ Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) August 6, 2016
watching Olympic PingPong and the guy's faces all have the same dull look that says, “Its too late for me to be this good at something else”
‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) August 7, 2016
“What was it like swimming in the Olympics?” — Ryan Seacrest, who made $5 million for asking this question
‘ Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 8, 2016
Please, I only throw shade recreationally. It was my grandpapa, Alistair Bancroft IV, who was a professional shade hurler in the 32 olympics
‘ Hippo (@InternetHippo) June 4, 2016
STOP oversexualizing these #Rio2016 athletes! They're just NORMAL people in peak physical & mental condition w/ accents oh god I'm gonna cum
‘ Achilles Stamatelaky (@astamate) August 9, 2016
Synchronized diving is the Olympic sport that is most easily traced to childhood, right? “And then and then we go like this and like this”
‘ Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) August 9, 2016
Women's floor routines in gymnastics:
1) Do the hardest tricks on Earth
2) Act like a gay toddler at recess pic.twitter.com/ky4imqsrko
‘ Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) August 8, 2016
Switched from Olympics to TINY HOUSE HUNTERS and am wish it was gymnasts buying houses
‘ Richard Lawson (@rilaws) August 9, 2016
if the olympics had better organisational skills the torch would already be lit and they wouldn't need to run it in at the last minute.
‘ Colley (@JamColley) August 8, 2016
So when countries play hella games it's called the Olympics but when I do it its called “my mother was right about you”
‘ Desus Nice (@desusnice) August 8, 2016