By: Henrik Stenson

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I ‘m About to Win a Gold Medal For Playing GOLF Motherfuckers

Odds are in, dipshits. I ‘m the Vegas favorite to win a gold-fucking-medal. Playing golf! You all thought golf was a joke, didn ‘t you? ‘It ‘s boring. ‘ ‘It ‘s for old people. ‘ ‘I ‘d rather watch Dr. Ken. ‘ Well, guess who doesn ‘t give a fuck? The International Olympic Committee, you wanks.

Honestly, most of the time I ‘m right there with you. I mean, Jesus, the entire point of golf is to do less actual golfing than everybody else. That ‘s how you win!

It ‘s like a lame version of putt-putt that takes forever, all the obstacles are sand, and everyone has to choose the same color ball and that color is white. Why do you think they dumped golf back in 1904? Back then the IOC probably weren ‘t dumb dummies who do dumb shit like host the Olympics in a literal hell pit.

Or maybe they were. I mean look, there are plenty of dumb sports in the Olympics. Like every kind of running. Running a little. Running a lot. Running a medium amount. Pick a distance: you can run it in the Olympics. And really, running is just the fastest walking. Oh, fast walking is also an Olympic event? Fuck me.

Not that you care, but golf can actually get pretty intense. You know how many spectators get hit by golf balls? A lot, when I ‘m playing. I hit ’em all the time, just to keep things interesting. Plus, it ‘s fun to yell, ‘Fore! ‘ I like to imagine it ‘s short for, ‘Make your peace with god before your brain gets crushed by my tiny dimpled death-ball. ‘

And fuck crocodiles, apparently the course in Rio is overrun by capybaras?! ‘Isn ‘t that like a big rodent? ‘ YOU ‘RE GODDAMN RIGHT IT ‘S A BIG RODENT! Huge! Ever seen The Princess Bride? We ‘re going to be golfing alongside real-life R.O.U.S. ‘s in a real-life fire swamp! (Actually more of a toxic waste swamp but you know what I mean.)

No wonder that pussy Rory McIlroy bowed out. He can blame Zika and the health of his wife and future babies all he wants, I know he ‘s just afraid of soiling his fancy golf pants the second he comes face-to-face with a mega-gerbil. Not me ‘my caddy Gareth and I have been taking capoeira classes here in Rio and we ‘ll dance-kick the shit out of any sized rat.

Because literally that ‘ll be the only thing standing between us* and the podium. I mean, c ‘mon, the Americans didn ‘t even bother to learn the rules of Olympic golf. Seriously. I ‘m 72 holes of whack-a-ball away from Olympic glory and it ‘s going to be a goddamn cakewalk.

*Actually just me, Gareth gets nothing when I win.

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