By: Madalyn Baldanzi

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Job Posting For New Young, Sexy Kardashian Now That Kylie Is 19

Kylie Jenner turned 19 this week, which means that the youngest Kardashian is practically over-the-hill. With no remaining siblings, cousins, and daughters from other marriages left, who will take up the mantle of young, sexy Kardashian who can sell lipsticks to tweens?! See the Kardashians ‘ job posting for the position below.

Open Position: Sexy, Flirty Teenager/Social Media Star/Model-ish

Kardashian Empire, Inc.
Full-time plus every waking moment you are alive


Extremely competitive salary that includes bonuses and brand new family

Company Overview

Kardashian Empire, Inc. is a multi-national brand and family that encompasses fashion lines, perfume lines, makeup lines, video games, and complete and utter social media domination. We strive to constantly serve up ever-more complicated celebrity feuds, divorces, and gender transitions to keep our name relevant and our revenue stream strong. In the past, our partners have all been genetically related to each other, but we are looking to branch out and bring in new talent until current assets mature (i.e. when North is fourteen).

Reports To

Kris Jenner, CEO and Puppetmaster


-Ensure user experience across Kardashian social media platforms by effortlessly posing in elaborate bathing suits
-Collaborate with cross-functional partners that include several other millionaire women who look eerily similar to you
-Drive digital impressions by dating rap stars, and coordinate monthly accidental dick pic leaks
-Desire to advance within the company, eventually morphing from girl next door to sexy cyborg
-Spearhead trips to the Caribbean to maximize time spent on a yacht
-Work with international teams of super models to become good enough friends with them that you seem like believable ‘gal pals ‘ on Instagram
-Work closely with marketing and sales to create something new that the Kardashian family can sell, like a line of sports bras for your butt
-Strategically twist your body parts in every photo so that teenage girls want to be you, teenage boys love you, and grown men feel uncomfortable about how much they love you


-Flexible with parental lineage so we can pass you off as related to us
-Proficiency in duck face
-Must be able to work in US, but look ever-so-vaguely Middle-Eastern
-Bachelor ‘s degree discouraged
-Self-motivated to remain sexy
-Detailed understanding of who Bella Hadid is
-Previous leadership experience in when and when not to wear sunglasses
-Very strong knowledge of how to sit still while getting hair extensions taken out and put back in over and over and over
-Proficiency in Microsoft Office

Key Skills

-Big boobs AND big butt a plus
-Superb-looking younger sister(s) who is/are also interested
-Ability to become less of a person and more of an idea


-Complete healthcare package
-Millions and millions and millions of dollars


LA, NYC, and Yachts

Submit resume, headshot, and buttshot to:

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