By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets are really ‘ something.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
‘ Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 6, 2016
If you're happy and you know it, wait a bit.
‘ Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) August 12, 2016
[introducing girlfriend to my family]
me: this is my girlfriend janine
wife: what the fuck
‘ dan mentos (@DanMentos) August 11, 2016
HBO, please start doing this for The Night Of. pic.twitter.com/joFL8UOoy2
‘ Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) August 8, 2016
hey. hey kid. wanna buy a parrot
[muffled from my trench coat] hey. hey kid wanna buy a parrot
‘ jhorts (@dearjhonletter) August 12, 2016
[at a commodores concert]
me: play the song about how you wanna fuck a house
‘ elon benes (@themiltron) August 9, 2016
Me: If male twins & female twins from separate families procreate will their kids look the same?
Guy: I can't sell you anymore weed.
‘ Mike Primavera (@primawesome) August 10, 2016
MC HAMMER: my only regret is that i did not let the doctors touch me
‘ the high class soap boy (@trojansauce) August 11, 2016
BARTENDER: why the long face?
HORSE: oooh a horse joke
BARTENDER: I was talking to your buddy
ANTEATER: let ‘s just go somewhere else, horse
‘ Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) August 8, 2016
Michael Phelps has a long way to go to catch Scooby-Doo and Friends for most all-time meddles
‘ Terry F (@daemonic3) August 11, 2016
Looking for investors to fund my idea for a Lazy Susan that spins faster called an Active Jennifer. No cops.
‘ Brandon (@UNDEADTRESOR) August 9, 2016
mmmm, can't wait to try Guy Fieri's new food truck! pic.twitter.com/8B3E5W9Jng
‘ Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) August 12, 2016
*gymnast does a triple-double ultra-spin backflip-frontflip but takes a tiny step when she lands*
ME: [mouthful of Pringles] what a loser
‘ Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) August 8, 2016
Marriage is sacred! It should be between a man, a woman, be a contest between 25 dudes and happen in front of a TV crew and a boom guy
‘ Eli Grober (@eligrober) August 2, 2016
[Kool-Aid Man watching the presidential election]
I dare you to build that wall you son of a bitch
‘ Ygrene (@Ygrene) August 11, 2016
I get all my news from cheap gossip shows. (the news)
‘ Paula Pell (@perlapell) August 12, 2016
Jared Leto – “hey girl I got 2 tickets to Normal Al Yankovic”
“um…isn't it Weird Al Yankovic?”
“to you maybe, but not me, Jared Leto”
‘ Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) August 10, 2016
I started an anchor business but couldn't figure out how to keep it afloat.
‘ She's A Real Genius (@ShesARealGenius) August 10, 2016
‘ Randy Liedtke (@randyliedtke) August 12, 2016
My man on Jeopardy trolling the people he just dominated. pic.twitter.com/AQgpI96VZ4
‘ Mark Ennis (@MarkEnnis) August 11, 2016
What if an interviewer asked Michael Phelps a question and he accidentally responded with dolphin sounds
‘ Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) August 12, 2016
*1st turn in Monopoly*
Me: I'll buy this property
Me: I'd like to stop now. I already have more than I ever dreamed for myself
‘ Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) August 4, 2016
i just want a girl who is
-able to 360 dunk on regulation sized hoops
‘ goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) August 8, 2016
lunch is so cool but dinner can get it too.
‘ Aidy Bryant (@aidybryant) August 7, 2016
Buffalo Wild Wings pays me $350 a month to not change my name to “Buffalo Wild Wings”
‘ Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) August 10, 2016
Anyway I think Great British Baking Show could cure racism.
‘ Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) August 6, 2016