27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #47

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

‘ Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 6, 2016

If you're happy and you know it, wait a bit.

‘ Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) August 12, 2016

[introducing girlfriend to my family]
me: this is my girlfriend janine
janine: hi
wife: what the fuck

‘ dan mentos (@DanMentos) August 11, 2016

HBO, please start doing this for The Night Of. pic.twitter.com/joFL8UOoy2

‘ Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) August 8, 2016

hey. hey kid. wanna buy a parrot
[muffled from my trench coat] hey. hey kid wanna buy a parrot

‘ jhorts (@dearjhonletter) August 12, 2016

[at a commodores concert]

me: play the song about how you wanna fuck a house

‘ elon benes (@themiltron) August 9, 2016

Me: If male twins & female twins from separate families procreate will their kids look the same?

Guy: I can't sell you anymore weed.

‘ Mike Primavera (@primawesome) August 10, 2016

[deathbed]
MC HAMMER: my only regret is that i did not let the doctors touch me

‘ the high class soap boy (@trojansauce) August 11, 2016

BARTENDER: why the long face?
HORSE: oooh a horse joke
BARTENDER: I was talking to your buddy
ANTEATER: let ‘s just go somewhere else, horse

‘ Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) August 8, 2016

Michael Phelps has a long way to go to catch Scooby-Doo and Friends for most all-time meddles

‘ Terry F (@daemonic3) August 11, 2016

Looking for investors to fund my idea for a Lazy Susan that spins faster called an Active Jennifer. No cops.

‘ Brandon (@UNDEADTRESOR) August 9, 2016

mmmm, can't wait to try Guy Fieri's new food truck! pic.twitter.com/8B3E5W9Jng

‘ Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) August 12, 2016

*gymnast does a triple-double ultra-spin backflip-frontflip but takes a tiny step when she lands*
ME: [mouthful of Pringles] what a loser

‘ Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) August 8, 2016

Marriage is sacred! It should be between a man, a woman, be a contest between 25 dudes and happen in front of a TV crew and a boom guy

‘ Eli Grober (@eligrober) August 2, 2016

[Kool-Aid Man watching the presidential election]
I dare you to build that wall you son of a bitch

‘ Ygrene (@Ygrene) August 11, 2016

I get all my news from cheap gossip shows. (the news)

‘ Paula Pell (@perlapell) August 12, 2016

Jared Leto – “hey girl I got 2 tickets to Normal Al Yankovic”
“um…isn't it Weird Al Yankovic?”
“to you maybe, but not me, Jared Leto”

‘ Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) August 10, 2016

I started an anchor business but couldn't figure out how to keep it afloat.

‘ She's A Real Genius (@ShesARealGenius) August 10, 2016

I got fired from 3 jobs today because my @uber passenger sat on the @dominos pizza I was delivering in the car I was supposed to be valeting

‘ Randy Liedtke (@randyliedtke) August 12, 2016

My man on Jeopardy trolling the people he just dominated. pic.twitter.com/AQgpI96VZ4

‘ Mark Ennis (@MarkEnnis) August 11, 2016

What if an interviewer asked Michael Phelps a question and he accidentally responded with dolphin sounds

‘ Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) August 12, 2016

That's intense pic.twitter.com/8yy7GuEKb7

‘ Conner O'Malley (@conner_omalley) August 9, 2016

*1st turn in Monopoly*

Me: I'll buy this property

*2nd turn*

Me: I'd like to stop now. I already have more than I ever dreamed for myself

‘ Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) August 4, 2016

i just want a girl who is
-nice
-funny
-short
-able to 360 dunk on regulation sized hoops
-cute

‘ goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) August 8, 2016

Buffalo Wild Wings pays me $350 a month to not change my name to “Buffalo Wild Wings”

‘ Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) August 10, 2016