By: Keaton Patti

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We Can ‘t Let Those Greedy Loggers Cut Down The Town ‘s Oldest Person

Of all the town hall meetings I ‘ve attended, this is craziest. I don ‘t care how great a strip mall would be for local commerce. I won ‘t stand idly by and let a bunch of loggers chop down the only thing that stands in their way: Leonard, our town ‘s oldest man.

Leonard is 106 years old, people! He ‘s a living piece of history and far more important than convenient access to a Gap, a Gap Kids, and a Gap Dudes In Their 30s,the Gap store with clothes specifically for 30-39 year old men. And this is coming from a 39-year-old man with a kid and an absurd amount of Gap stock. I have the most to gain from those capitalist pig loggers sawing Leonard in half and claiming his land that ‘s coincidentally the perfect size and shape for a strip mall, but I won ‘t let it happen.

Right now I ‘m hearing a bunch of whispers about how Leonard isn ‘t even a good guy, so it doesn ‘t matter. That he fought for the Nazis in World War II, and again for the Nazis in Vietnam even though that wasn ‘t a thing, and that, yes, last week he embezzled most of the town ‘s money and put it in an envelope labeled ‘To Nazis ‘ and sent it to a random house in Germany.

I ‘m hearing those whispers, but I ‘m also hearing the whispers of Jesus who once said, ‘Forgive people or I ‘ll send you to hell because I can do that. ‘

What I ‘m saying is this, if you let Leonard be sliced in half, you ‘re going to hell. And guess what? There ‘s not a single Gap Kids in hell. That ‘s a true statement from the Bible.

Since nobody has asked why I ‘m carrying all of these chains, I ‘ll just tell you. After this meeting, I ‘m going directly to Leonard ‘s house, or as he calls it ‘Nazi Manor, ‘ and chaining myself to our town ‘s oldest living piece of history. If those entrepreneurial loggers care about money so much, they ‘ll have to cut down both Leonard and me!

I urge all of you to join me as well! I brought enough chains for everyone, as long as everyone can squeeze into the amount of chains I brought. If not, I didn ‘t bring enough for everyone.

Hey, don ‘t blame me. There ‘s just not a good place to buy chains around here, and yes, I know the proposed strip mall would have an amazing chain store, but don ‘t be a dick and bring that up.

Now, who will help me deter the murderous saw of capitalism and allow Leonard to continue his lengthy life of frowned upon political and moral views?

Mayor! You ‘ve stepped forward to join me!

No? You just wanted to let me know that Leonard passed away in his sleep and that the strip mall is being built as we speak?

Oh. Well they better finish it fast. That Gap Dudes In Their 30s will be useless to me after my birthday next week!

Ah, but forget about me! Mayor, isn ‘t there anything we can do to memorialize Leonard?

Great idea! I ‘ll go right now and look into what a ‘Nazi funeral ‘ means!

I ‘m sure it ‘s terrible.

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