That Tiny Woman Doing Flips While Dressed Like An American Flag Is Definitely Not Patriotic Enough

Watching this year ‘s Olympic gymnastics, I had the same reaction as the rest of you: That tiny woman doing flips while dressed like an American flag is definitely not patriotic enough.

Patriotism used to mean serving your country. I watched this star-spangled sprite defy the laws of physics, and all I saw was a woman who tirelessly trained until she was the minimum age and then, as soon as possible, donned a national uniform and went abroad to serve her country and dominate any country that challenged it on multiple tours. What part of that sounds even remotely patriotic?

And then, of course, there ‘s her behavior during the national anthem. I won ‘t beat a dead horse, but quickly, here ‘s where she actively and most conspicuously tried to overthrow our government:

1. She didn ‘t do anything with her hand
2. She didn ‘t start a “U-S-A ‘ chant
3. No fireworks. Not even sparklers

And did anybody notice this: She didn ‘t even pledge allegiance to the flag while she was out there. Not the one on her leotard. Not the one on her jacket or warm-up pants. Not the one she proudly marched into the Olympics behind while the entire world watched. Makes me sick.

Sure, she may have performed dressed like a Fourth of July Roman candle, but that was only her entire upper body and arms. What about her legs? What, are they too good for a pair of red, white, and blue parachute pants? What ‘s her excuse? They would restrict her movement? Yeah, and the Delaware River probably restricted George Washington ‘s movement. Get over yourself and put your country first for once.

And what ‘s with all the insanely difficult jumps and flips and twists and stuff? You ‘re wearing the colors and imagery of one of our country ‘s most sacred symbols. How about a little decorum? When I was growing up, if you wore a skin-tight American flag costume, you knew better than to do anything other than somberly march or stand perfectly still and salute or something like that.

And I know this part may be a bit controversial, but what ‘s up with that hair? Like, why is it not in an Uncle Sam hat? You shouldn ‘t even be allowed to wear sparkly American flag spandex if you ‘re unwilling to complete it with an oversized patriotic top hat. How is there not a constitutional amendment about that?