By: Ben Wietmarschen
The NFL season is mere days away and as an NFL analyst, it ‘s important for me to look at all factors of the game to effectively preview the upcoming season. Highest among those factors is death. Because that ‘s where it ‘s all heading, folks. And if one of the players dies on the field after getting hit too hard that would truly be a bummer. It might even ruin the whole NFL season for some people.
With that in mind, here are ten possible deaths that could effect how the 2016 NFL season shakes out.
Ben Roethlisberger might get his head popped off like a champaign cork.
“Big Ben ‘ is entering his 13th season as the Steelers quarterback and, being most well known for taking hits but staying on his feet with his head up looking to still make big passes, it would just make sense that IF someone died, it would probably be Roethlisberger staying up a little too long and getting sacked so hard that his head pops off like a firmly twisted champagne cork and gets greedily scooped up by a soon-to-be-horrified defensive end mistaking it it for a fumbled ball. If this doesn ‘t happen then, sure, he might have a good year at quarterback.
Odell Beckham Jr. might get his spine snapped like an uncooked spaghetti noodle in grandma ‘s weathered-but-sure hands.
High flying ODB has had the spotlight firmly fixed on each of his catches ever since this impossible catch from his rookie year. The way he flies around, reaching impossible heights, stretching for seemingly uncatchable balls, I just can ‘t help but think he might get snatched up in mid air by a giant linebacker and snapped in half. Just like grandmama used to do with a wad of Barilla noodles on spaghetti Sundays.
Aaron Rodgers might get squashed like a cheap Ikea coat rack with too many soaking wet winter coats hanging on it.
Picture it: Unflappable Aaron Rodgers hangs in the pocket for a moment too long as one, then two, then three and four seperate 300 pound defensive linemen jump on top of him. But get this: it ‘s 4th down, in the 4th quarter, and his team is losing! So he has to stay on his feet until those feet give way like so much cheap ass fiberboard, splitting bones pushing out of his skin and turning into flying splinters.
Ben Roethlisberger might get his head popped off but like a dandelion this time.
Slightly different than a champagne cork, but without getting as much air under the popped off head. Again, these are unlikely but you have to consider everything before making any predictions for the upcoming NFL season.
Todd Gurley might get his leg snapped and dragged out of his pelvic joint as the severed bone hooks onto and drags his colon out behind it like a bent paperclip dragging gunky hair clumps out of a sorority ‘s shower drain.
As one of the most exciting and dynamic young runners in the NFL, Gurley ‘s sophomore effort has the potential to launch him into MVP consideration. That is, unless he dies by getting his leg ripped off and then his colon ripped through his body with colon. I don ‘t THINK that will happen, but I CAN picture it happening and really that ‘s what this article is all about.
DeAndre Hopkins might get his torso twisted until it snaps away from the rest of his body like a Bounty paper towel being reused and rung out to dry one too many times.
Long and lean, Hopkins has made a habit of twisting and turning away from some of the best DB ‘s in the NFL over the last two seasons, but I can ‘t help but picture him coming down with a catch and then getting twisted by a safety runnning at full speed and ultimately tearing his body apart like a damp paper towel that, like Hopkins ‘ actual human body, was never meant to be used this way. Could put up GIGANTIC fantasy points though, if that doesn ‘t happen.
Ben Roethlisberger might get his brain rattled inside his skull so hard it oozes out his ear like ice cream melting and seeping out a hole in it ‘s cheap, abused cardboard container.
For some reason I keep coming back to Ben Roethlisberger ‘s head just not being a satisfactory defense against NFL pass rushers. But, you know, he ‘s been at it for so long I guess if his head was gonna pop off or his brain was gonna ooze out, it would ‘ve happened by now, right?