27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #49

Take me down to Thesaurus City where the grass is viridian and the girls are pulchritudinous

‘ Paige (@PeachCoffin) August 25, 2016

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Actually the doctor is Frankenstein, the monster is the person correcting you

‘ Matt Crowley (@MatthewPCrowley) August 26, 2016

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Whenever I wear a fashionable outfit I feel like I'm cosplaying as a more confident version of myself

‘ Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) August 24, 2016

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Nothing sexier than a clown whispering bible verses into your ear while you're trying to go to sleep.

‘ James Alvarez (@ObscureGent) August 21, 2016

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Can you eat so many tacos that your pee smells like tacos?

‘ Bob Heller (@Bob_Heller) August 19, 2016

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The average person can swallow up to 7 biological grandparents in their sleep

‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) August 25, 2016

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[grabs grocery store intercom]
TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR, ABC SONG, AND BA BA BLACK SHEEP ARE THE SAME SONG [struggling] WAKE UP SHEEPLE

‘ Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) August 21, 2016

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we really did take myspace for granted. i am sick of having to do this every weekend pic.twitter.com/ftl50YFlo7

‘ rob whisman (@robwhisman) August 21, 2016

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How are there so many people on TV and the Internet who can't admit when they're wrong, when I've literally apologized to burnt food.

‘ Daniel Kibblesmith ?? (@kibblesmith) August 25, 2016

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ugh had to make this guide for my stupid stepdad craig. he just doesnt get it pic.twitter.com/THJWXoshQu

‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) August 25, 2016

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couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

‘ Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) August 25, 2016

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Me trying to fit in at the club pic.twitter.com/sBazgiiGux

‘ Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) August 24, 2016

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I wish snacks craved me back

‘ donni saphire (@donni) August 21, 2016

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I decided to adopt a dog bc I can't have a dog of my own

‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) August 25, 2016

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Spoil any movie by telling ur friend ‘Ice Cube dies ‘ before they watch it. They ‘ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time

‘ Melanie Bracewell (@meladoodle) August 19, 2016

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Vampires wear a tuxedo to suck your blood that's actually really nice of them bc they think you're a fancy meal like thank you I'm flattered

‘ Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) August 25, 2016

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I want to be rich enough to open my front door, say “can't believe the butler took the day off” and not be lying about having a front door.

‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) August 26, 2016

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its 2016 and i think its time we all stop pretending we like music. its loud and it isn't solving any problems.

‘ Luke Mones (@LukeMones) August 23, 2016

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It sucks when you want to like someone, but then you hear them refer to “milk” as “melk.”

‘ Greg Schindler (@Schindizzle) August 24, 2016

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NO i am not your friendly italian stereotype. i am a human individual drawing on a rich heritage
YES i would like a big slicea da pizza

‘ Sam Kriss (@sam_kriss) August 20, 2016

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HOW YALL LADIES DONT JUST EAT MAKEUP? ITS ALL FEISTY COLORS W/ NAMES LIKE “FROSTED PLUM CANDY CRUNCH”. I'D BE TRICKED. IM ALMOST TRICKED NOW

‘ DVS (@DVSblast) August 24, 2016

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I put a piece of tape over my laptop's webcam so hackers can't see my insane reactions to memes

‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) June 26, 2016

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ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

‘ grimes ‘s boyfriend (@AbrasiveGhost) April 16, 2016

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FUN FACT did you know that the nicknames Reba and Becca are BOTH short for Rebababecca?

‘ Andr ‘s du Bouchet (@dubouchet) August 24, 2016

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First day of school for all the kids on my street, so I set up the Slip n' Slide in my front yard and played while they waited for the bus.

‘ Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) August 26, 2016