By: Jason Flowers
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #49
This week ‘s tweets have a way with ‘ uh ‘ words?
Take me down to Thesaurus City where the grass is viridian and the girls are pulchritudinous
‘ Paige (@PeachCoffin) August 25, 2016
Actually the doctor is Frankenstein, the monster is the person correcting you
‘ Matt Crowley (@MatthewPCrowley) August 26, 2016
Whenever I wear a fashionable outfit I feel like I'm cosplaying as a more confident version of myself
‘ Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) August 24, 2016
Nothing sexier than a clown whispering bible verses into your ear while you're trying to go to sleep.
‘ James Alvarez (@ObscureGent) August 21, 2016
Can you eat so many tacos that your pee smells like tacos?
‘ Bob Heller (@Bob_Heller) August 19, 2016
The average person can swallow up to 7 biological grandparents in their sleep
‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) August 25, 2016
[grabs grocery store intercom]
TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR, ABC SONG, AND BA BA BLACK SHEEP ARE THE SAME SONG [struggling] WAKE UP SHEEPLE
‘ Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) August 21, 2016
we really did take myspace for granted. i am sick of having to do this every weekend pic.twitter.com/ftl50YFlo7
‘ rob whisman (@robwhisman) August 21, 2016
How are there so many people on TV and the Internet who can't admit when they're wrong, when I've literally apologized to burnt food.
‘ Daniel Kibblesmith ?? (@kibblesmith) August 25, 2016
ugh had to make this guide for my stupid stepdad craig. he just doesnt get it pic.twitter.com/THJWXoshQu
‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) August 25, 2016
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
‘ Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) August 25, 2016
Me trying to fit in at the club pic.twitter.com/sBazgiiGux
‘ Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) August 24, 2016
I wish snacks craved me back
‘ donni saphire (@donni) August 21, 2016
I decided to adopt a dog bc I can't have a dog of my own
‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) August 25, 2016
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend ‘Ice Cube dies ‘ before they watch it. They ‘ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
‘ Melanie Bracewell (@meladoodle) August 19, 2016
Vampires wear a tuxedo to suck your blood that's actually really nice of them bc they think you're a fancy meal like thank you I'm flattered
‘ Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) August 25, 2016
I want to be rich enough to open my front door, say “can't believe the butler took the day off” and not be lying about having a front door.
‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) August 26, 2016
its 2016 and i think its time we all stop pretending we like music. its loud and it isn't solving any problems.
‘ Luke Mones (@LukeMones) August 23, 2016
It sucks when you want to like someone, but then you hear them refer to “milk” as “melk.”
‘ Greg Schindler (@Schindizzle) August 24, 2016
NO i am not your friendly italian stereotype. i am a human individual drawing on a rich heritage
YES i would like a big slicea da pizza
‘ Sam Kriss (@sam_kriss) August 20, 2016
HOW YALL LADIES DONT JUST EAT MAKEUP? ITS ALL FEISTY COLORS W/ NAMES LIKE “FROSTED PLUM CANDY CRUNCH”. I'D BE TRICKED. IM ALMOST TRICKED NOW
‘ DVS (@DVSblast) August 24, 2016
I put a piece of tape over my laptop's webcam so hackers can't see my insane reactions to memes
‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) June 26, 2016
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
‘ grimes ‘s boyfriend (@AbrasiveGhost) April 16, 2016
FUN FACT did you know that the nicknames Reba and Becca are BOTH short for Rebababecca?
‘ Andr ‘s du Bouchet (@dubouchet) August 24, 2016
First day of school for all the kids on my street, so I set up the Slip n' Slide in my front yard and played while they waited for the bus.
‘ Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) August 26, 2016
I didn’t know you can get a 98% on okcupid.
Lucky Shot, or what ALWAYS happens when you try to impress a girl
This has happened to every guy EVER.
A ghost hates his new tenants. Written by Charles (Chuck Armstrong & Charlie Stockman) – http://funnyordie.com/charlescomedy Directed by Morgan Grobe for Flerp Films – http://funnyordie.com/flerp Starring: Jeff Allen, Chuck Armstrong, Evan Kubena, Mike Lane, Nunzio Randazzo, and DK Reinemer. Makeup by Jennifer Warwick.
After a terrible show, Adrian decides to quit Salon du Shoguns
PAUL SCHEER explains the IRON MAN 2 trailer
If you don’t have time to watch the 2 1/2 minute IRON MAN 2 Trailer. Let me explain it to you in half the time. This is going to help a lot of people. Please excuse the shitty mic quality.
Adventures in Search History: The Breakup Edition
Ever wonder why your significant other is spending so much time on the internet? Maybe you don’t want to know…