By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets have a way with ‘ uh ‘ words?
Take me down to Thesaurus City where the grass is viridian and the girls are pulchritudinous
‘ Paige (@PeachCoffin) August 25, 2016
Actually the doctor is Frankenstein, the monster is the person correcting you
‘ Matt Crowley (@MatthewPCrowley) August 26, 2016
Whenever I wear a fashionable outfit I feel like I'm cosplaying as a more confident version of myself
‘ Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) August 24, 2016
Nothing sexier than a clown whispering bible verses into your ear while you're trying to go to sleep.
‘ James Alvarez (@ObscureGent) August 21, 2016
Can you eat so many tacos that your pee smells like tacos?
‘ Bob Heller (@Bob_Heller) August 19, 2016
The average person can swallow up to 7 biological grandparents in their sleep
‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) August 25, 2016
[grabs grocery store intercom]
TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR, ABC SONG, AND BA BA BLACK SHEEP ARE THE SAME SONG [struggling] WAKE UP SHEEPLE
‘ Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) August 21, 2016
we really did take myspace for granted. i am sick of having to do this every weekend pic.twitter.com/ftl50YFlo7
‘ rob whisman (@robwhisman) August 21, 2016
How are there so many people on TV and the Internet who can't admit when they're wrong, when I've literally apologized to burnt food.
‘ Daniel Kibblesmith ?? (@kibblesmith) August 25, 2016
ugh had to make this guide for my stupid stepdad craig. he just doesnt get it pic.twitter.com/THJWXoshQu
‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) August 25, 2016
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
‘ Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) August 25, 2016
Me trying to fit in at the club pic.twitter.com/sBazgiiGux
‘ Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) August 24, 2016
I wish snacks craved me back
‘ donni saphire (@donni) August 21, 2016
I decided to adopt a dog bc I can't have a dog of my own
‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) August 25, 2016
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend ‘Ice Cube dies ‘ before they watch it. They ‘ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
‘ Melanie Bracewell (@meladoodle) August 19, 2016
Vampires wear a tuxedo to suck your blood that's actually really nice of them bc they think you're a fancy meal like thank you I'm flattered
‘ Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) August 25, 2016
I want to be rich enough to open my front door, say “can't believe the butler took the day off” and not be lying about having a front door.
‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) August 26, 2016
its 2016 and i think its time we all stop pretending we like music. its loud and it isn't solving any problems.
‘ Luke Mones (@LukeMones) August 23, 2016
It sucks when you want to like someone, but then you hear them refer to “milk” as “melk.”
‘ Greg Schindler (@Schindizzle) August 24, 2016
NO i am not your friendly italian stereotype. i am a human individual drawing on a rich heritage
YES i would like a big slicea da pizza
‘ Sam Kriss (@sam_kriss) August 20, 2016
HOW YALL LADIES DONT JUST EAT MAKEUP? ITS ALL FEISTY COLORS W/ NAMES LIKE “FROSTED PLUM CANDY CRUNCH”. I'D BE TRICKED. IM ALMOST TRICKED NOW
‘ DVS (@DVSblast) August 24, 2016
I put a piece of tape over my laptop's webcam so hackers can't see my insane reactions to memes
‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) June 26, 2016
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
‘ grimes ‘s boyfriend (@AbrasiveGhost) April 16, 2016
FUN FACT did you know that the nicknames Reba and Becca are BOTH short for Rebababecca?
‘ Andr ‘s du Bouchet (@dubouchet) August 24, 2016
First day of school for all the kids on my street, so I set up the Slip n' Slide in my front yard and played while they waited for the bus.
‘ Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) August 26, 2016
Kumail Nanjiani lets you stare into his soul and hear his tips on dealing with Twitter trolls. Want more of The Chris Gethard Show? Head to TheChrisGethardShow.com for full episodes, clips, and musical performances!