I Would Have Stood Up If They Played ‘Crazy Train’ Like I Asked

I know I ‘ve been in the news a lot recently for sitting during the national anthem to call attention to the continued injustice that minorities in this country face. But that isn ‘t the real issue here, it ‘s that the National Anthem just doesn ‘t get me fired up to go out on the football field and put my and everyone else ‘s mental and physical health at risk the way Crazy Train does. Put on Crazy Train and then just try to keep me from standing up before a game.

Trust me, I want what all football fans, coaches, owners, and commissioner Roger Goodell wants: To treat football like it ‘s literal war and to treat the other team ‘s players like they are nonhuman meat sacks, and to treat my own body like it ‘s an indestructible vessel of patriotic righteousness. And Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne gets me in the mood to do all that!

What I don ‘t understand is why all the patriotic stuff that happens during football games has to be so freaking wussy. Make it all absurdly reckless and fly in the face of human decency.

Don ‘t you dudes like getting fucking fired up? Not just standing still and staring at a flag like some kind of freaking winter sports country.

Like, have you ever prepped for battle, and I ‘m talking *figuratively* ripping dudes ‘ heads off (but very literally inflicting real long term brain damage to other men) by listening to some slow brass band tune written more than 200 years ago? Spoiler alert: It ‘s a downer!

It ‘s almost like you want me to have full on kamikaze mindset when it comes to football, but before the game starts you want me to act like some kind of puny wuss. Which is it?

By the way, if you haven ‘t noticed, I HAVE been standing during the anthem before football games for years now. But every single time I did it in the past I was standing and yelling “Play Crazy Train! ‘ and “What is this, the reception after a fancy art store auction, or WAR? Play Crazy Train ya ding dongs!”

Come to think of it, why don ‘t we just name Crazy Train our national anthem? What the fuck are we pussy footin ‘ around?

Anyway, all this is to say, I don ‘t get it. I ‘m fighting to make the football experience more revved up and violent by getting rid of the soft-ass slow parts. You can ‘t butter both sides of the bread, people. I promise, if you play Crazy Train I will stand (and get more fired up than you thought possible) and we can see if the increased violence is worth it! 22 men being even MORE violent during an NFL game than normal, THAT is what I call a BETTER America.