By: Thomas Harp
Dear Warner Brothers Marketing,
You are making a movie which, according to your press releases, will become the greatest shark movie of all time. It is about the discovery of a 70 foot prehistoric shark ‘ and only one man can stop it: JASON STATHAM!
I mean, come on. You had me at 70 ft shark. But then you added Jason Statham? Suck it, Aquaman, THIS movie ‘s gonna have the greatest underwater fight scenes ever filmed. I bet James Cameron wishes he weren ‘t knee-deep in Na'vi mind-rape tails, because THIS IS GOING TO MAKE FILM HISTORY.
And then I read the title of this epic thrill-ride, this monumental clash of titans, and I actually threw up in my mouth.
THAT ‘S your title?
Yes, I ‘m aware that Meg stands for Megalodon which is the scientific name of the 70 foot killing machine, but how am I going to keep my dignity if I have to say “Hey guys ‘ you wanna go see MEG this weekend? ‘
MEG is what you call a damp washcloth. Or the lump of moldy mac & cheese you found under your couch. Or a rejected Muppet.
Jason Statham deserves better than MEG. The largest sea predator of all time deserves better than MEG. I DESERVE BETTER THAN MEG!
So here ‘s a new title for you. One that will get people LINED UP AROUND THE BLOCK EVEN IF THEY PRESELECTED THEIR SEATS ON FANDANGO.
That ‘s right: Sharkpuncher. Because as you must know by looking through his contract, Jason Statham will not sign on to a movie unless he punches the villain a minimum of 10 times. GUARANTEED. Here ‘s the best part: Did you know you can stop a Great White by punching it in the nose? I DON ‘T CARE IF IT ‘S NOT TRUE!
SHARKPUNCHER. Say it out loud. It rolls off the tongue IF YOUR TONGUE WERE A FIST (whoa. That ‘s a great, idea, too). You know what it sounds like to me? It sounds like $1B worldwide.
Now understand something: if you have the greatest working action star (and you do) and you don ‘t have him punching the super-sized shark in the finale, YOU HAVE MADE THE WRONG MOVIE. A movie that deserves to have the title of a bad Nora Ephron movie starring guess who: MEG Ryan.
(Although if this were a movie where Jason Statham fought Meg Ryan, I would pay for that, too. But it ‘s not. It ‘s about a shark. And a guy who punches it.)
SHARKPUNCHER. Here ‘s the poster:
It ‘s Jason Statham COLD COCKING A GIANT SHARK. Literally everyone who sees this poster will buy a ticket. I ‘m sure I ‘ve increased your presales 1000x already.
And here ‘s the kicker: you have Rainn Wilson in the movie. As a scientist. Get ready, because here ‘s how you make this the GODFATHER of shark films: make the “shark ‘ a human-shark hybrid. That ‘s right. A 70 foot shark WITH RAINN WILSON ‘S FACE. He ‘s already been a fish man in House of 1000 Corpses.
Hear me out: Rainn starts out wanting to understand the shark, then sees the purity of this majestic creature who is 70 feet of pure killing machine and suddenly, he has an idea: with HIS brains and MEG ‘S brawn, they can rule the world! So he sciences something BLAH BLAH BLAH rewrite your current third act because Rainn-Shark vs. Jason Statham will be the greatest movie showdown in all of movie history.
You ‘re welcome.