27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #50

Never ask what the hashtag is at a funeral.

‘ John Milhiser (@JohnMilhiser) August 29, 2016

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[Ouija Board]

Me: Spirit, answer this one question ‘do you like me?

Board: R E A D 1 2 : 3 7 P M

‘ REW (@therealeatwood) August 14, 2016

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If Facebook Was Real

me: cool shirt Brian
Brian: thanks

[hours later, a knock at my door]

me: um yes?
Brian’s Mom: I also like that shirt

‘ spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 29, 2016

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you're beautiful the way you are. you dont need to have money, or 3 podcasts, or 2 podcasts. just be you and i guess just have the 1 podcast

‘ tara shoe (@tarashoe) September 1, 2016

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I invented not taking credit.

‘ Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) August 26, 2016

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You miss 100% of the shots you don't make. -Wayne Gretsky

‘ Blake Anderson (@UncleBlazer) August 26, 2016

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Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: 'Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

‘ Ian Sausage (@stephenjmolloy) August 19, 2016

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Got my hands on the screenplay for Sully, wow pic.twitter.com/uctWRkCaIO

‘ Ari Scott (@ariscott) August 20, 2016

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Sorry I told your kid beehives were nature's honey pi ‘atas.

‘ Scott Linnen (@ScottLinnen) August 24, 2016

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ME: this ASMR video is great
SON: I think i broke my leg
M: ok sweetie its almost over
S: pls help
M: let mama get her tingles
S: hi police?

‘ Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) September 2, 2016

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friend: how are things?

me: things are good!

narrator: things were not good

‘ keely flaherty (@keelyflaherty) August 25, 2016

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I may disagree with what you are saying, but I will defend to the death my right to tell you I disagree with what you are saying.

‘ Jesse Berney (@jesseberney) August 31, 2016

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[aquaman origin story]

*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually

‘ the high class soap boy (@trojansauce) August 31, 2016

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yes, autocorrect, i'm definitely afraid to travel to florida because of zima

‘ rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) August 30, 2016

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Sometimes, late at night, I'll look up at the stars and wonder if you're also stealing lawn furniture.

‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) August 23, 2016

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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schr ‘dinger: Nice, nice

‘ Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) August 24, 2016

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Yes hi Mr. DeNiro I'm a second year acting student, can you milk me?

‘ Chris Stephens (@ChrisStephensMD) August 27, 2016

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i think about how Chuck E. Cheese's full first names are “Charles Entertainment” like twice a day

‘ monica heisey (@monicaheisey) August 29, 2016

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COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn't just the planet slowing down?

COP: I'm listening

‘ Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 22, 2016

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I still remember that overwhelmingly wonderful feeling in my heart when she looked at me & said those three magical words:

I hate Coldplay

‘ Noah Kinsey (@thenoahkinsey) September 2, 2016

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i heard if you watch that larry the cable guy netflix show it shows up on your credit report

‘ jhorts (@dearjhonletter) August 31, 2016

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In my defense, your baby shower invitation clearly said “no loud toys as gifts,” but was silent about cursed artifacts

‘ huntigula (@huntigula) August 31, 2016

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just watched some sort of baby gym show & wow we gotta start calling this something else cause that ain't a gym or a workout nice try babies

‘ christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) August 30, 2016

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CO-WORKER: give me $3 to eat this old grape?
ME: sure
WIKIPEDIA: give me $3 to continue to provide you essential knowledge?
ME: get fucked

‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) August 31, 2016

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Don’t be the loser that just hovers by the snack table. Be the maniac that lives under it.

‘ Jason Roeder (@jasonroeder) August 30, 2016

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White people: “Black people should protest peacefully!”
*Black person sits quietly during national anthem*
White people: “No not like that.”

‘ Ms. Charlotte (@charlotteirene8) August 31, 2016