By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets are looking forward to relaxing over the long weekend.
What I love about sleeping is that it’s like dying but without all the commitment
‘ Chimney Spotter (@chimneyspotter) August 30, 2016
Never ask what the hashtag is at a funeral.
‘ John Milhiser (@JohnMilhiser) August 29, 2016
Me: Spirit, answer this one question ‘do you like me?
Board: R E A D 1 2 : 3 7 P M
‘ REW (@therealeatwood) August 14, 2016
If Facebook Was Real
me: cool shirt Brian
[hours later, a knock at my door]
me: um yes?
Brian’s Mom: I also like that shirt
‘ spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 29, 2016
you're beautiful the way you are. you dont need to have money, or 3 podcasts, or 2 podcasts. just be you and i guess just have the 1 podcast
‘ tara shoe (@tarashoe) September 1, 2016
I invented not taking credit.
‘ Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) August 26, 2016
You miss 100% of the shots you don't make. -Wayne Gretsky
‘ Blake Anderson (@UncleBlazer) August 26, 2016
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: 'Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
‘ Ian Sausage (@stephenjmolloy) August 19, 2016
Got my hands on the screenplay for Sully, wow pic.twitter.com/uctWRkCaIO
‘ Ari Scott (@ariscott) August 20, 2016
Sorry I told your kid beehives were nature's honey pi ‘atas.
‘ Scott Linnen (@ScottLinnen) August 24, 2016
ME: this ASMR video is great
SON: I think i broke my leg
M: ok sweetie its almost over
S: pls help
M: let mama get her tingles
S: hi police?
‘ Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) September 2, 2016
friend: how are things?
me: things are good!
narrator: things were not good
‘ keely flaherty (@keelyflaherty) August 25, 2016
I may disagree with what you are saying, but I will defend to the death my right to tell you I disagree with what you are saying.
‘ Jesse Berney (@jesseberney) August 31, 2016
[aquaman origin story]
*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually
‘ the high class soap boy (@trojansauce) August 31, 2016
yes, autocorrect, i'm definitely afraid to travel to florida because of zima
‘ rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) August 30, 2016
Sometimes, late at night, I'll look up at the stars and wonder if you're also stealing lawn furniture.
‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) August 23, 2016
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schr ‘dinger: Nice, nice
‘ Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) August 24, 2016
Yes hi Mr. DeNiro I'm a second year acting student, can you milk me?
‘ Chris Stephens (@ChrisStephensMD) August 27, 2016
i think about how Chuck E. Cheese's full first names are “Charles Entertainment” like twice a day
‘ monica heisey (@monicaheisey) August 29, 2016
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn't just the planet slowing down?
COP: I'm listening
‘ Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 22, 2016
I still remember that overwhelmingly wonderful feeling in my heart when she looked at me & said those three magical words:
I hate Coldplay
‘ Noah Kinsey (@thenoahkinsey) September 2, 2016
i heard if you watch that larry the cable guy netflix show it shows up on your credit report
‘ jhorts (@dearjhonletter) August 31, 2016
In my defense, your baby shower invitation clearly said “no loud toys as gifts,” but was silent about cursed artifacts
‘ huntigula (@huntigula) August 31, 2016
just watched some sort of baby gym show & wow we gotta start calling this something else cause that ain't a gym or a workout nice try babies
‘ christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) August 30, 2016
CO-WORKER: give me $3 to eat this old grape?
WIKIPEDIA: give me $3 to continue to provide you essential knowledge?
ME: get fucked
‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) August 31, 2016
Don’t be the loser that just hovers by the snack table. Be the maniac that lives under it.
‘ Jason Roeder (@jasonroeder) August 30, 2016
White people: “Black people should protest peacefully!”
*Black person sits quietly during national anthem*
White people: “No not like that.”
‘ Ms. Charlotte (@charlotteirene8) August 31, 2016
Donald Trump retweeted an image with fake and racist information about rates of crime. Even after being told the information was false, Trump has kept the tweet up. Since evidently the truth doesn’t matter to Trump, we created a compilation of other racially inflammatory and made up “facts” for him to share with his followers.