By: Jason Flowers
No headphone jack?
A new set of stupid things you have to shove in your eyes and are almost guaranteed to lose instantly?
Apple ‘s latest announcements certainly have people talking.
*secret iPhone team meeting*
“When we kill the headphone jack, women will lose their earbuds constantly and be forced to talk to us.”
‘ Kashana (@kashanacauley) September 7, 2016
There's no way these are features people were asking for pic.twitter.com/PA0EJycfFP
‘ Homme DeCor (@corypalmer) September 7, 2016
Does the new iPhone have Pokemon Go? LOL remember when we were all obsessed with that? Anyway, I've been thinking about death a lot lately.
‘ Dan Ozzi (@danozzi) September 7, 2016
Apple is iterating not innovating. iPhone 7 should be shaped like a rod or three floating orbs or a memory of your friend Greg.
‘ John Moe (@johnmoe) September 7, 2016
‘ shauna (@goldengateblond) September 7, 2016
The iPhone 7 is fully submergible, I can finally waterboard Siri!
‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) September 7, 2016
but is my soul black or JET BLACK damn apple is really making me question how deep the abyss of my personality is with this phone
‘ Daniel Howell (@danielhowell) September 7, 2016
new iphone available in many colors including bloody pee, regular pee, and silver pic.twitter.com/nLCy9RdBED
‘ Eli Yudin (@eliyudin) September 7, 2016
The iPhone 7 is waterproof so that your tears from crying over the loss of a headphone jack won ‘t damage it.
‘ ??? Jony Ive (@JonyIveParody) September 7, 2016
If you get airpods, what cords are ghosts going to tangle when you're sleeping??
‘ kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) September 7, 2016
there is no way in hell i won ‘t accidentally swallow these headphones somehow pic.twitter.com/oPLPGNimFj
‘ pilot! (@pilotbacon) September 7, 2016
I ‘m old enough to remember when Apple ‘s branding was based pretty much 100% on headphone wires pic.twitter.com/DBgruXjOcT
‘ Aaron Wiener (@aaronwiener) September 7, 2016
Skullcandy headquarters right now pic.twitter.com/2KaSQ5WRjj
‘ PAPPADEMAS (@PAPPADEMAS) September 7, 2016
A lot of people care about headphone jacks. Not me. I care about [hurriedly googles “issues politic”] estate tax and [squinting] sovereignty
‘ Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) September 7, 2016
It is homophobic if Apple doesn't point out that wireless earbuds are a great way to feel like Janet Jackson on tour.
‘ Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) September 7, 2016
hi evreybody a good hack for never losing ur new apple airpods is to tie them both to a long string & then tie that string aroumd ur phone!!
‘ jomny sun (@jonnysun) September 7, 2016
Finally, a Super Mario game for iOS pic.twitter.com/kXzJp4Bctj
‘ Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) September 7, 2016
the only apple port I care about is the one that connects this granny smith to my tum tum
‘ HOT DOG HELL 2018 ??? (@sexyfacts4u) September 7, 2016
me: have u seen The Wire
u: no they don't have a wire, they're the new iphone earbuds
me: can't believe I was just out-pretentioused
‘ Here For It (@NotRubHarass) September 7, 2016
Users: Hey blah blah we want blah blah
Apple: *is a corporation*
Apple: *not a person*
‘ I hope Stephen Sondheim is having a good day (@GraceSpelman) September 7, 2016
Sia: ? I don't need dollar bills to have fun tonight! ?
Apple: New headphones $159
‘ T. Kyle (@tkylemac) September 7, 2016
me: ok guys the apple tweets are getting old
harambe: I agree
‘ dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 7, 2016
Apple make new Friend today. Me want new Friend always. Me no need headphone. Just need Friend.
‘ Will Hines (@willhines) September 7, 2016
Call me when a new iPhone can suck my dick
‘ Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) September 7, 2016
When Brandy decided to throw herself into the presidential race, she didn’t realize it would be so demanding of her time. Or cause her to miss out the Prom! Brought to you by The Kids Table. Like us on Facebook! http://www.facebook.com/thekidstablecomedy