Finally! New Vegan Restaurant Let’s You Eat Peanut Shells Off The Fucking Ground

Some people are vegans because they believe that our current system puts animals ‘ welfare at risk. But other people are vegans because the guilt, isolation, and total lack of enjoyment that comes with eating an animal-free diet appeals to a subordinate sexual fetish deep, deep inside of them.

There are plenty of restaurants for people who want to eat clean and green. Finally, there is a spot for freaks who want to be mildly dominated while they eat a bunch of peanut shells off the floor. It ‘s called ‘Boot and Spade ‘ and we ‘ve got a sneak peek at the menu before it ‘s big opening next week!

Appetizers

Hummus – $8
A blend of chickpeas, tahini, and za ‘atar formed into the shape of a mother pig in a gestation crate. Served with warm pita.

Potato Skins – $9
Not the fun TGIFriday kind. Just potato peels, heaped on a wet paper towel.

Nachos Vegetarianos – $12
Tortilla chips piled high with cheese, sour cream, an chili con carne, which are scraped off into the trash right at your table.

House Salad – $7
Mixed greens, tomatoes, cucumbers, and peach vinaigrette. Served across from a woman softly moaning as she eats a big, fat, juicy steak.

Entrees

Thai Vegetable Curry – $16
Potatoes, eggplant and long beans in a coconut brother that you will make it halfway through before your server tells you that she just found out this dish contains fish stock.

‘Green Machine ‘ Pizza – $18
Kale and walnut pesto with fresh arugula. Large enough to share, but none of your friends will want to.

Warm Quinoa Bowl – $17
Roasted summer squash over quinoa and a long conversation about why you care so much about animals, but aren ‘t doing anything about the horrible working conditions of seasonal farm workers.

Garden Lasagna – $16
Layers of zucchini, tomato sauce, cashew ricotta, and old pictures of your grandmother making mozzarella by hand. What ‘s the matter? You don ‘t like her food anymore? You used to love her food.

Tempeh Burger – $19
Heirloom tomato, cartelized onion, and homemade bread and butter pickles on a marinated tempeh patty that tastes and feels so much like beef, you ‘ll start to wonder what ‘s fucking point.

Dessert

Apple Crisp – $10
Spiced oats, vanilla coconut cream, and the quickly fading memory of what your mother ‘s baking tasted like.

Un-Cheese Cake – $9
Lemon zest, graham cracker crust, and whipped tofu that have been so manipulated, it barely even feels like food anymore.

Vegan Chocolate Mouse – $11
If you want it, you can come lick it off our Pastry Chef ‘s fucking boot.