By: Keaton Patti
Recently some controversies have arisen regarding Tesla ‘s self-driving / autopilot function. People claim it isn ‘t safe. People claim two people have already been killed while using the autopilot. People claim that I, Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla Motors, have blood on my hands and must answer for these deaths.
The answer I have for all of these claims: There ‘s no need to fear, because I drive all of these “self-driving ‘ cars via remote control and anyone who has died has deserved it!
That ‘s right, me, a super-genius and with an IQ of over $12 billion dollars (money = intelligence), has been and will continue to drive any Tesla put into autopilot mode.
Plus, not only am I a super-genius, but in the almost 30 years that I ‘ve been driving, I ‘ve only been in one accident and it wasn ‘t my fault. An asteroid smashed into my car from space and the very next day I founded SpaceX, a company focused on reducing space transportation costs and getting my vengeance on all asteroids.
So trust me, you ‘re in safe hands.
Anytime someone activates their Tesla ‘s autopilot function, I get a text message alert. Then I simply enter the Musk-A-Torium, a section of my mansion with hundreds of monitors that allow me access to cameras from every Tesla ‘s dashboard, I hop into the Musk-A-Driving-Sim, a driving simulator that I made out of an old Cruis ‘n USA arcade game, and I drive the car wherever it needs to go while sipping on a cold Musk-A-Cola, a can of Coca-Cola that I ‘ve taped my last name on.
I know I ‘ve told investors and news agencies that Tesla has worked tirelessly with GPS companies and computer vision firms to develop actual sci-fi level self-driving cars, but, c ‘mon, what is this? The Jetsons? Hell, even in the Jetson they drove their own flying cars. And no damn asteroids slammed into them out of nowhere!
I swear to God, I will track down every damn asteroid in this universe and blow them to fucking pieces and then blow those fucking pieces to fucking pieces and so on and so on until someone important tells me to stop doing that.
But, where was I? Haha!
You ‘re probably wondering about those crashes that happened while using the Tesla autopilot. I can explain those. The people involved in those accidents were terrible people and I crashed their cars on purpose. Teslas are all equipped with advanced camera and audio technologies, so if I hear someone in a Tesla arranging an arms deal or sex-slavery operation or helping their kids cheat on their homework, the next time they switch on their auto-pilot, I slam them into a wall.
It ‘s my way of being Batman, without just becoming Batman. And don ‘t get me wrong, I have $12 billion, I could become Batman. I choose not to since I look terrible in black.
You ‘re also probably wondering what happens if someone turns on the autopilot and I ‘m asleep and can ‘t drive their car remotely.
Haven ‘t worked that out yet.
But I ‘ll get to it right after I bring about the extinction of every asteroid in existence.
And if you think I ‘m insane, trust me, I ‘m not.
And if you still think I ‘m insane, I ‘ll slam a Tesla right into you.