By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets were custom-designed to make your life easier.
Prehistoric man had to walk miles each day to find food & I need to wear a bracelet that buzzes to tell me to stand up, progress is amazing.
‘ Sarah (@thetigersez) September 8, 2016
I'm only on Facebook to see people from high school devote their lives to pyramid schemes.
‘ Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) September 8, 2016
when apps insist on using inappropriately cutesy language to alert users of trending topics: 2016 pic.twitter.com/U9tdSTxqRK
‘ Sally Rooney (@sallyrooney) September 4, 2016
The 5 People you meet in heaven:
haha damn you're in Gary Heaven by mistake
‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) September 6, 2016
How do we know dogs are chasing their tails and not running from their heads?
‘ JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) August 30, 2016
I think they invented sports so that men could have a socially-appropriate avenue to hug.
‘ Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) September 7, 2016
now this is a video game i can get behind pic.twitter.com/PETrbVJI9s
‘ bailey (@bigrigbails) September 4, 2016
I add to the friend group in that I prefer sitting on floors than couches.
‘ shelby fero (@shelbyfero) September 5, 2016
….. did I fuck Joe Biden? pic.twitter.com/kyvNK6i4UP
‘ erin “nickname tk ‘ ryan (@morninggloria) September 9, 2016
Wife: I'm pregnant
Me [realising I'm about to be a dad & thinking of all the sacrifices & adjustments I'll have to make]: hi pregnant
‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 8, 2016
i even piss improv :))))))))) pic.twitter.com/LQ3KMPHYzY
‘ jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) September 9, 2016
On his new album, I hope Pitbull advises us to party.
‘ Mike Scully (@scullymike) September 5, 2016
Guy: [walks into store smoking]
Clerk: Hey buddy, read the sign
Guy: It says “Dance like no-one's watching”
Clerk: I'm waiting
‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) September 8, 2016
HOW TO WEAR A HAT
– Put on hat
– Ask others if they like your hat
– Listen to the hat
– Do as it commands
– Hide the evidence
– Hide the hat
‘ Operators Manual (@manual_txt) September 3, 2016
RIDDLE: Shrek is green and Bart is yellow. Put them together for this curious blue fellow! ANSWER: Genie from Aladdin
‘ Dave Ferguson (@DaveTheFerg) September 2, 2016
I wish you were a real boy
Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around*
[3 hrs later]
Geppetto: This was a mistake
‘ spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) September 6, 2016
Cupid is by far the most widely celebrated pervert baby
‘ Tom Cashman (@_tomcashman) September 7, 2016
“Are you serious?”
“I'm as serious as Mr. Robot takes itself.”
‘ Sam Means (@stmeans) September 3, 2016
The very worst kind of math pic.twitter.com/I8TffSJ4ZW
‘ Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) September 9, 2016
Biggie Smalls had literally zero raps about smoothies or dog parks. I'm starting to think he wasn't even from Brooklyn.
‘ Langston Kerman (@LangstonKerman) September 4, 2016
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
‘ EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) September 6, 2016
Wow, Leslie Knope’s origin story is UNREAL pic.twitter.com/52ho1WWY7z
‘ Erin Ruberry (@erinruberry) September 6, 2016
simpsons porn hasn't really made me cum in like ten years
‘ guterman (@danguterman) September 8, 2016