27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #51

Prehistoric man had to walk miles each day to find food & I need to wear a bracelet that buzzes to tell me to stand up, progress is amazing.

‘ Sarah (@thetigersez) September 8, 2016

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I'm only on Facebook to see people from high school devote their lives to pyramid schemes.

‘ Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) September 8, 2016

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when apps insist on using inappropriately cutesy language to alert users of trending topics: 2016 pic.twitter.com/U9tdSTxqRK

‘ Sally Rooney (@sallyrooney) September 4, 2016

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The 5 People you meet in heaven:
-Gary Coleman
-Gary Cooper
-Gary Gilmore
-Gary Gygax
-Gary Ross

haha damn you're in Gary Heaven by mistake

‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) September 6, 2016

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How do we know dogs are chasing their tails and not running from their heads?

‘ JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) August 30, 2016

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I think they invented sports so that men could have a socially-appropriate avenue to hug.

‘ Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) September 7, 2016

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now this is a video game i can get behind pic.twitter.com/PETrbVJI9s

‘ bailey (@bigrigbails) September 4, 2016

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I add to the friend group in that I prefer sitting on floors than couches.

‘ shelby fero (@shelbyfero) September 5, 2016

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….. did I fuck Joe Biden? pic.twitter.com/kyvNK6i4UP

‘ erin “nickname tk ‘ ryan (@morninggloria) September 9, 2016

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Wife: I'm pregnant
Me [realising I'm about to be a dad & thinking of all the sacrifices & adjustments I'll have to make]: hi pregnant

‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 8, 2016

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i even piss improv :))))))))) pic.twitter.com/LQ3KMPHYzY

‘ jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) September 9, 2016

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On his new album, I hope Pitbull advises us to party.

‘ Mike Scully (@scullymike) September 5, 2016

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Guy: [walks into store smoking]
Clerk: Hey buddy, read the sign
Guy: It says “Dance like no-one's watching”
Clerk: I'm waiting

‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) September 8, 2016

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HOW TO WEAR A HAT
– Put on hat
– Ask others if they like your hat
– Listen to the hat
– Do as it commands
– Hide the evidence
– Hide the hat

‘ Operators Manual (@manual_txt) September 3, 2016

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RIDDLE: Shrek is green and Bart is yellow. Put them together for this curious blue fellow! ANSWER: Genie from Aladdin

‘ Dave Ferguson (@DaveTheFerg) September 2, 2016

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Geppetto:
I wish you were a real boy

Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around*

Geppetto: yay!

[3 hrs later]

Geppetto: This was a mistake

‘ spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) September 6, 2016

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Cupid is by far the most widely celebrated pervert baby

‘ Tom Cashman (@_tomcashman) September 7, 2016

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“Are you serious?”
“I'm as serious as Mr. Robot takes itself.”
“Dear God.”

‘ Sam Means (@stmeans) September 3, 2016

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The very worst kind of math pic.twitter.com/I8TffSJ4ZW

‘ Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) September 9, 2016

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Biggie Smalls had literally zero raps about smoothies or dog parks. I'm starting to think he wasn't even from Brooklyn.

‘ Langston Kerman (@LangstonKerman) September 4, 2016

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we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

‘ EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) September 6, 2016

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Wow, Leslie Knope’s origin story is UNREAL pic.twitter.com/52ho1WWY7z

‘ Erin Ruberry (@erinruberry) September 6, 2016

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simpsons porn hasn't really made me cum in like ten years

‘ guterman (@danguterman) September 8, 2016

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I wish there was a vibrator that lectured women about music so we could just, like, train ourselves to find it erotic.

‘ Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) September 5, 2016

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Please, stop calling me a steampunk, I'm just a man with his arm stuck in a very ugly antique clock

‘ beloved comedy institution “the pixelated boat ‘ (@pixelatedboat) September 5, 2016

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Every time you feel like a total fucking idiot, just remember there are people with Bon Jovi lyrics tattooed on their body.

‘ Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) September 4, 2016

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Makes me fucking sick people always on their phones . why dont they instead talk to the people in front of them who are dumb as shit

‘ $13 (@tupacdurex) September 6, 2016