By: Jason Flowers
A newly-released, hacked email from the desk of Colin Powell reveals that his calling Donald Trump a ‘national disgrace ‘ actually weighed heavily on the former Secretary of State, causing the one-time General to come up with a laundry list of acceptable alternatives.
From: Colin Powell “firstname.lastname@example.org”
Subject: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Re: CLASSIFIED: How To Describe Donald Trump?
So “National Disgrace” doesn’t quite feel like it does justice to how terrible Trump is and how bad his presidency would be for this country, so I spent a few minutes this morning brainstorming some others. These all feel much more appropriate for official use.
Please edit for typos and then reset my email password to something easily hackable by the Russians.
Acceptable Terms For Donald Trump In Official Correspondence
- Global Nightmare
- Intergalactic Horror
- Catastrophic Mouthpiece
- National Treasure (but said sarcastically)
- Natural Ice (because it’s the worst kind of beer)
- International Abortion
- A Worse Idea Than The Iraq War
- Un-Poppable Zit
- Dried-Up Hemorrhoid
- Human Fart
- Basket Of Cheeto-Crusted Chickenshit Fingers
- Donald Gump
- Silly Goose (that we’re all ashamed of)
- Exploitative Mega-Honky
- Bad Baby
- Dumbass Lil Bitch
- 9/11 With A Toupee
- Air Conditioning On A Cold Day
- A National Embarrassment On The Level Of Going To School Naked
- Whatever They Make Hot Dogs Out Of, But Worse
- American Deathknell