27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #52

oh no why did I bring my bird to see sully

‘ Eli Terry (@EliTerry) September 13, 2016

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My parrot died today. Its last words were, “Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die.”

‘ Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 13, 2016

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An octopus has 8 crotches.

‘ Demetri Martin (@DemetriMartin) September 14, 2016

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I have tons of great ideas. For example: blue shrek

‘ skateboarding ‘s ANthony Hawk (@hippieswordfish) September 8, 2016

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As a concerned parent, I wish all film titles were as informative as “There Will Be Blood”.

‘ Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) September 14, 2016

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my writing process:
-fuck, what a great idea
-pg 1 already nailing it
-yep still good
-this page too
-i have a gift
-no notes
-done perfect

‘ Glenn Boozan (@boozan) September 10, 2016

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Who the fuck call laundry sauce 'detergent'? Ok mr scientist lmao

‘ Truckstop Vigilante (@BRENTHOR) September 14, 2016

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My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don't know what to do.

‘ Mat (@MatCro) September 12, 2016

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These leaked Colin Mochrie emails are nuts. Shits on Stiles, Brady, even Laura Hall. Thinks the Hoedown is dumb and wants points to matter.

‘ Dimebag Drew Spears (@drewspurs) September 14, 2016

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ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: no one can make you feel inferior without your consent
ME: [Eleanor Roosevelt voice] dur dur dur I'm Eleanor Roosevelt

‘ Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) September 13, 2016

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FRIEND: What's your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They're not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

‘ Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) September 14, 2016

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Cops think they can give me tickets but I'm all, “Dude I was the Mayor of Gotham in Batman Forever get outta my face with this bullshit!”

‘ George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) September 15, 2016

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Took a sexy picture of myself and in the background there is a stack of self help books I was like touch ‘ Universe

‘ AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) September 14, 2016

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If you ‘re a math teacher, a good joke would be to call the store 7-11 ‘Negative 4 ‘. Then, when nobody laughs, cry in your Kia Sorrento.

‘ Opus Moreschi (@heyitsopus) September 14, 2016

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“The iPhone doesn't have a headphone jack but the Galaxy literally explodes” is a perfect metaphor for this election.

‘ Josh Marvine (@JoshMarvine) September 13, 2016

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maybe boys would like hillary more if she passed them her headphones so they could hear the shins for the first time

‘ darcie wilder (@333333333433333) September 13, 2016

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Seeing a lot of opinions on the timeline today. Was there a sale at the opinion store

‘ bigmood ahmadinejad (@alexqarbuckle) September 12, 2016

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My favorite part of sex is right after where u realize u somehow swapped brains and then u scream and scream

‘ Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) September 13, 2016

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Now that I'm in my 30s, I'm reevaluating men I overlooked in my youth. For example, I'd probably fuck that smart gremlin from Gremlins 2.

‘ Halle Kiefer (@HalleKiefer) September 14, 2016

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It should cost $50 to post a blurry video with blown out sound from the Beyonc ‘ concert.

‘ Aidy Bryant (@aidybryant) September 15, 2016

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The key to Simon & Garfunkel's success was that one was big and one was small. Before, duos were always the same size. They changed the game

‘ Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) September 12, 2016

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*I walk into Oprah's office and there's a huge gumball machine filled with cars*

‘ Mark Magark (@markedly) September 10, 2016

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I was gonna go to J.Crew online and shop for clothes but I didn't want to use that credit cardigan

‘ Jay (@DirtMcTurd) September 13, 2016

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everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they're just ikea product names (they are)

‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) September 15, 2016

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34% of doctor visits in Maine are because a bear lied about being about to hold its liquor.

‘ Geeky Steven (@geekysteven) September 16, 2016

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This is possibly my favorite twitter exchange ever pic.twitter.com/01djtz4j2K

‘ Brayden (@Braydenial) September 12, 2016

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A teacher friend went over safety procedures with her class & asked, “If I’m shot, what do you do?” One of her students said, “Avenge you.”

‘ Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) September 15, 2016