By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets are not intended for all audiences.
oh no why did I bring my bird to see sully
‘ Eli Terry (@EliTerry) September 13, 2016
My parrot died today. Its last words were, “Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die.”
‘ Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 13, 2016
An octopus has 8 crotches.
‘ Demetri Martin (@DemetriMartin) September 14, 2016
I have tons of great ideas. For example: blue shrek
‘ skateboarding ‘s ANthony Hawk (@hippieswordfish) September 8, 2016
As a concerned parent, I wish all film titles were as informative as “There Will Be Blood”.
‘ Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) September 14, 2016
my writing process:
-fuck, what a great idea
-pg 1 already nailing it
-yep still good
-this page too
-i have a gift
‘ Glenn Boozan (@boozan) September 10, 2016
Who the fuck call laundry sauce 'detergent'? Ok mr scientist lmao
‘ Truckstop Vigilante (@BRENTHOR) September 14, 2016
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don't know what to do.
‘ Mat (@MatCro) September 12, 2016
These leaked Colin Mochrie emails are nuts. Shits on Stiles, Brady, even Laura Hall. Thinks the Hoedown is dumb and wants points to matter.
‘ Dimebag Drew Spears (@drewspurs) September 14, 2016
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: no one can make you feel inferior without your consent
ME: [Eleanor Roosevelt voice] dur dur dur I'm Eleanor Roosevelt
‘ Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) September 13, 2016
FRIEND: What's your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They're not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
‘ Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) September 14, 2016
Cops think they can give me tickets but I'm all, “Dude I was the Mayor of Gotham in Batman Forever get outta my face with this bullshit!”
‘ George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) September 15, 2016
Took a sexy picture of myself and in the background there is a stack of self help books I was like touch ‘ Universe
‘ AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) September 14, 2016
If you ‘re a math teacher, a good joke would be to call the store 7-11 ‘Negative 4 ‘. Then, when nobody laughs, cry in your Kia Sorrento.
‘ Opus Moreschi (@heyitsopus) September 14, 2016
“The iPhone doesn't have a headphone jack but the Galaxy literally explodes” is a perfect metaphor for this election.
‘ Josh Marvine (@JoshMarvine) September 13, 2016
maybe boys would like hillary more if she passed them her headphones so they could hear the shins for the first time
‘ darcie wilder (@333333333433333) September 13, 2016
Seeing a lot of opinions on the timeline today. Was there a sale at the opinion store
‘ bigmood ahmadinejad (@alexqarbuckle) September 12, 2016
My favorite part of sex is right after where u realize u somehow swapped brains and then u scream and scream
‘ Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) September 13, 2016
Now that I'm in my 30s, I'm reevaluating men I overlooked in my youth. For example, I'd probably fuck that smart gremlin from Gremlins 2.
‘ Halle Kiefer (@HalleKiefer) September 14, 2016
It should cost $50 to post a blurry video with blown out sound from the Beyonc ‘ concert.
‘ Aidy Bryant (@aidybryant) September 15, 2016
The key to Simon & Garfunkel's success was that one was big and one was small. Before, duos were always the same size. They changed the game
‘ Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) September 12, 2016
*I walk into Oprah's office and there's a huge gumball machine filled with cars*
‘ Mark Magark (@markedly) September 10, 2016
I was gonna go to J.Crew online and shop for clothes but I didn't want to use that credit cardigan
‘ Jay (@DirtMcTurd) September 13, 2016
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they're just ikea product names (they are)
‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) September 15, 2016
34% of doctor visits in Maine are because a bear lied about being about to hold its liquor.
‘ Geeky Steven (@geekysteven) September 16, 2016
This is possibly my favorite twitter exchange ever pic.twitter.com/01djtz4j2K
‘ Brayden (@Braydenial) September 12, 2016
A teacher friend went over safety procedures with her class & asked, “If I’m shot, what do you do?” One of her students said, “Avenge you.”
‘ Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) September 15, 2016
A shortened version of the comedy short where a shy guy uses Facebook to stalk the hot coffee shop waitress. This version includes an alternate ending. Become a fan on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=354858223096&ref=ts http://www.michaelnelsoncomedy.com