By: Ben Wietmarschen
Over the weekend, an explosion in the Chelsea neighborhood of New York City resulted in minor injuries to 29 people as well as the block being shut down for a short time. While people across the nation worried over social media that this might be part of a large scale attack on America, New Yorkers were quick to dispel the notion that this was a big deal to them at all.
So I asked a few New Yorkers:
What did you think of the Chelsea explosion?
“Can ‘t talk now, dumbass, I gotta lotta business meetings no time to chit chat what ‘d you ask me? Explosion? Chelsea? No, sorry I can ‘t talk I have to work and get drinks and no I didn ‘t hear an explosion I don ‘t have TIME for explosions I ‘m making money baby, filthy green money!”
“I don ‘t know and I don ‘t care about whatever you said because I ‘M WALKIN OVER HERE! ‘*
*Betsy was walking into the NYC Housing Preservation office to file a complaint about her landlord doubling her rent and not fixing her bathroom sink.
“SHUT UP I ‘M RUDE!”
“Wait, there was an explosion? I didn ‘t hear or read about it. I was too busy eating a slice of famous New York Pizza! And had two slices of famous New York pizza shoved in my ears! And two covering my eyes! And a can of soda in my mouth. Not drinking it, just the unopened can with my teeth and lips wrapped around it. Anyway, I gotta go to the Statue of Liberty now, bye-bye.
“I didn ‘t hear about an explosion ‘oh wait, THAT explosion? I remember now. I must ‘ve just FUHGOT ABOUT IT!”
“I didn ‘t see or hear about any explosion probably because I was on a date. Ya see, I stay busy by casually dating well into my late 30 ‘s and I don ‘t plan on stopping anytime soon no matter what my old high school friends say when I bump into them at the grocery store in my hometown when I visit my parents for the holidays.”
Um, that explosion? I haven ‘t heard of it, I don ‘t really like new explosions. I ‘m more into explosions from the 60 ‘s. Detroit in the 60 ‘s had the best explosions. And I only listen to them on vinyl. Oh wait, I was talking about bands. Did something actually explode?! Near me?! AAAHH I gotta call my mommy I ‘m so scared please help me, I went pee pee in my pants!!
“The only thing I think is ‘GO JETS, BABY! It ‘s all I think about, really. I ‘m in a living nightmare. But I refuse to get help because I value my self-sufficiency above all else. ‘
“Ya know, New York City is a bustling, crowded place with so many things going on that I struggle every day to not be overwhelmed by it all. So, yes, I missed this explosion news just because I decided to take a night off of looking at my phone and have dinner with my boyfriend who I rarely get to see because we both work so much. Also, only like a few people got kind of hurt. There are more serious injuries at any given Green Bay Packers game every Sunday than this. Also get out of my way, I ‘M WALKING OVER HERE!
Kelly and Daniel, 52 and 54
“We loved it but, you know us ‘we love drama. Don ‘t we, hun?”