Before He Moves Out, This Roommate Wants To Know: “Who Fucked On My Couch?”

Hey, roomies. Or I guess I should say ex-roomies, right? Geez, that will take some getting used to. Anyway, I wanted to say that living with you guys has been a total blast. Part of me wishes I could stay here in “The Dog House ‘ forever, but I know it ‘s time for me and Brittany to move in together. It ‘s not like I ‘m “breaking up ‘ with you guys. I guess you could say that I ‘m growing up.

Anyway, before the moving truck get ‘s here I have to ask you guys one quick question: who here fucked on my couch?

Please tell me. I swear I won ‘t get mad. And I ‘m not asking in a pervy way, either. I spent $399 on that couch, and that money is down the shitter because Brittany says it “blocks the flow. ‘ It stings. But maybe it would sting a little less if I knew that the apartment got the most that we could out of it. Or if we got the most into it, you know what I ‘m saying?!

So, just be honest, guys: who fucked on my couch?

Chris, every so often, I ‘d come home to find you and your girlfriend cuddling together on the couch, watching a movie. You guys looked really sweet together and it made me happy to know that people in the apartment were actually enjoying the common space now that we got rid of that nasty old sofa my brother gave me.

So I guess what I ‘m saying is: did you fuck on my couch, Chris?

And James, what about you? When I told you I was moving out, you asked me if I was going to “get the couch cleaned. ‘ Your bed was mere steps away. God, if you could tell me that there was an instance when you and a lady friend started becoming intimate, tongues delving past lips, hands groping blindly at flesh, and you both chose to remain on my couch, that would mean a lot to me right now.

Lastly, Sean, when your long-distance girlfriend came to visit, I noticed that you guys spent the first night just hanging out in the apartment, which I thought was cute. There is so much fun stuff to do in New York City, but sometimes just being with the person you love is all you need, right?

I also noticed that when I came out to brush my teeth, she was straddling you on the couch, you two were completely nude save for my Williams College blanket bunched up around your waists, and you were both panting like racehorses. Gosh, looking back it seems obvious now, but was that you guys fucking on my couch?

If there were any other times that you guys fucked, sucked, or diddled on my couch, please say so now. Some dude on Craigslist is really low-balling me on this couch, but if I knew all the times that you guys fucked on it, I think I could make a strong counter.