27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #53

Quit saying you love fall and just say “I have weird legs.”

‘ Alex Baze (@bazecraze) September 22, 2016

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In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

‘ Jordan Foisy (@JordanFoisy) March 4, 2016

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If Bill Belichick was one of the joint chiefs of staff in the 70s, we would've won Vietnam 31-14.

‘ Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) September 23, 2016

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It's called slam poetry cause you're supposed to dunk on anyone who performs it

‘ Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) September 21, 2016

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Billie Jean is not my lover either but you don't hear me going on about it

‘ GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) September 21, 2016

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Me: Brian's coming over
Wife: Brian from work or Brian who always gets Jim Carrey quotes wrong?
Brian: [from outside] LLLLLLIIIKE A SHOE

‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) September 18, 2016

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Ma'am please stop calling 911 pic.twitter.com/KBbx2c2QlS

‘ Sarah Shockey (@sarahjoyshockey) August 6, 2016

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Yeesh. Anthony Weiner just wrote, “You up?” on my daughter's Etch-a-Sketch.

‘ Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) September 22, 2016

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Fun Prank:
– find a naturally occurring metal
– invent a valuation based on how pretty it is
– use it to base an entire planet's economy

‘ Corky Kneivel (@CorkyKneivel) June 2, 2016

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i've asked 17 people at work and not a single person knows what IDK stands for

‘ k e i t h (@KeetPotato) September 23, 2016

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male scientist 1: well?
male scientist 2: it's for sure one or the other
male placard shopkeep: guys, we're closing pic.twitter.com/eKf96HOpgy

‘ Zach Mason (@zachfmason) September 19, 2016

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Dad: don't be silly son, monsters don't exist
Voice from under bed: I like to get on the train before people can get off
Dad: dear god

‘ Sarah Jones (@SarahJonesVent) September 23, 2016

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I wish there was a rapper named R.I.P. so when he dies Twitter turns into a big 'Who's on First' routine

‘ Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) September 21, 2016

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The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

‘ Thomas The Reaper (@HavocMantis) April 18, 2016

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Hate when people complain about being broke but are covered in expensive tattoos. Sell some tattoos.

‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) September 19, 2016

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“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

‘ Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 14, 2016

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RACCOON: I'm being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he's wearing a mask
911: maybe he's your
RACCOON: nevermind, it ‘s my husband

‘ Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) September 22, 2016

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I've never walked into a restaurant bathroom and a version of the song Valerie isn't playing.

‘ Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) September 22, 2016

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No one seems to care how ironic it is that I'll never see the “Now You See Me” movies.

‘ Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) September 22, 2016

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did…did he make the sign? pic.twitter.com/XXmuHfTIoA

‘ Anthony Oliveira (@meakoopa) September 22, 2016

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Current White Guilt Level: Pretty sure we killed the dinosaurs.

‘ penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) September 16, 2016

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In a dream, I couldn't remember the word “platypus” so I called it a “business seal.”

‘ the attention economist (@emilyhughes) September 13, 2016

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im so fucki g stupid I owe the macarthurs $600 bucks

‘ bens rights activist (@UniqueDude2) September 22, 2016

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Spaghetti is just a wig you can fuck.

‘ Autopsy Turvy (@pantsfaced) March 29, 2016

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“I'm actually not sure my character would do that.” – me when I'm invited to a huge party

‘ Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) September 20, 2016

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[Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: “What’s his name?”
Parent: “Ethan.”
Me: “The movie’s starting, Ethan.”

‘ Jory John (@joryjohn) March 20, 2016

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pic.twitter.com/HR06yeUPFv

‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) September 22, 2016