By: Jason Flowers
Before you know it, this week ‘s tweets will be covered in snow.
Quit saying you love fall and just say “I have weird legs.”
‘ Alex Baze (@bazecraze) September 22, 2016
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
‘ Jordan Foisy (@JordanFoisy) March 4, 2016
If Bill Belichick was one of the joint chiefs of staff in the 70s, we would've won Vietnam 31-14.
‘ Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) September 23, 2016
It's called slam poetry cause you're supposed to dunk on anyone who performs it
‘ Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) September 21, 2016
Billie Jean is not my lover either but you don't hear me going on about it
‘ GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) September 21, 2016
Me: Brian's coming over
Wife: Brian from work or Brian who always gets Jim Carrey quotes wrong?
Brian: [from outside] LLLLLLIIIKE A SHOE
‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) September 18, 2016
Ma'am please stop calling 911 pic.twitter.com/KBbx2c2QlS
‘ Sarah Shockey (@sarahjoyshockey) August 6, 2016
Yeesh. Anthony Weiner just wrote, “You up?” on my daughter's Etch-a-Sketch.
‘ Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) September 22, 2016
– find a naturally occurring metal
– invent a valuation based on how pretty it is
– use it to base an entire planet's economy
‘ Corky Kneivel (@CorkyKneivel) June 2, 2016
i've asked 17 people at work and not a single person knows what IDK stands for
‘ k e i t h (@KeetPotato) September 23, 2016
male scientist 1: well?
male scientist 2: it's for sure one or the other
male placard shopkeep: guys, we're closing pic.twitter.com/eKf96HOpgy
‘ Zach Mason (@zachfmason) September 19, 2016
Dad: don't be silly son, monsters don't exist
Voice from under bed: I like to get on the train before people can get off
Dad: dear god
‘ Sarah Jones (@SarahJonesVent) September 23, 2016
I wish there was a rapper named R.I.P. so when he dies Twitter turns into a big 'Who's on First' routine
‘ Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) September 21, 2016
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
‘ Thomas The Reaper (@HavocMantis) April 18, 2016
Hate when people complain about being broke but are covered in expensive tattoos. Sell some tattoos.
‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) September 19, 2016
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
‘ Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 14, 2016
RACCOON: I'm being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he's wearing a mask
911: maybe he's your
RACCOON: nevermind, it ‘s my husband
‘ Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) September 22, 2016
I've never walked into a restaurant bathroom and a version of the song Valerie isn't playing.
‘ Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) September 22, 2016
No one seems to care how ironic it is that I'll never see the “Now You See Me” movies.
‘ Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) September 22, 2016
did…did he make the sign? pic.twitter.com/XXmuHfTIoA
‘ Anthony Oliveira (@meakoopa) September 22, 2016
Current White Guilt Level: Pretty sure we killed the dinosaurs.
‘ penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) September 16, 2016
In a dream, I couldn't remember the word “platypus” so I called it a “business seal.”
‘ the attention economist (@emilyhughes) September 13, 2016
im so fucki g stupid I owe the macarthurs $600 bucks
‘ bens rights activist (@UniqueDude2) September 22, 2016
Spaghetti is just a wig you can fuck.
‘ Autopsy Turvy (@pantsfaced) March 29, 2016
“I'm actually not sure my character would do that.” – me when I'm invited to a huge party
‘ Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) September 20, 2016
[Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: “What’s his name?”
Me: “The movie’s starting, Ethan.”
‘ Jory John (@joryjohn) March 20, 2016
As Rio de Janeiro prepares for the Olympics amid shocking health and safety concerns, Burnie Burns, Gavin Free and Barbara Dunkelman come up with reasons to travel to Brazil. Watch full episodes of @midnight now — no login required: http://on.cc.com/17MOT5T @midnight with Chris Hardwick airs weeknights at 12a/11c on Comedy Central.