By: Jason Flowers
Before you know it, this week ‘s tweets will be covered in snow.
Quit saying you love fall and just say “I have weird legs.”
‘ Alex Baze (@bazecraze) September 22, 2016
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
‘ Jordan Foisy (@JordanFoisy) March 4, 2016
If Bill Belichick was one of the joint chiefs of staff in the 70s, we would've won Vietnam 31-14.
‘ Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) September 23, 2016
It's called slam poetry cause you're supposed to dunk on anyone who performs it
‘ Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) September 21, 2016
Billie Jean is not my lover either but you don't hear me going on about it
‘ GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) September 21, 2016
Me: Brian's coming over
Wife: Brian from work or Brian who always gets Jim Carrey quotes wrong?
Brian: [from outside] LLLLLLIIIKE A SHOE
‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) September 18, 2016
Ma'am please stop calling 911 pic.twitter.com/KBbx2c2QlS
‘ Sarah Shockey (@sarahjoyshockey) August 6, 2016
Yeesh. Anthony Weiner just wrote, “You up?” on my daughter's Etch-a-Sketch.
‘ Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) September 22, 2016
– find a naturally occurring metal
– invent a valuation based on how pretty it is
– use it to base an entire planet's economy
‘ Corky Kneivel (@CorkyKneivel) June 2, 2016
i've asked 17 people at work and not a single person knows what IDK stands for
‘ k e i t h (@KeetPotato) September 23, 2016
male scientist 1: well?
male scientist 2: it's for sure one or the other
male placard shopkeep: guys, we're closing pic.twitter.com/eKf96HOpgy
‘ Zach Mason (@zachfmason) September 19, 2016
Dad: don't be silly son, monsters don't exist
Voice from under bed: I like to get on the train before people can get off
Dad: dear god
‘ Sarah Jones (@SarahJonesVent) September 23, 2016
I wish there was a rapper named R.I.P. so when he dies Twitter turns into a big 'Who's on First' routine
‘ Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) September 21, 2016
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
‘ Thomas The Reaper (@HavocMantis) April 18, 2016
Hate when people complain about being broke but are covered in expensive tattoos. Sell some tattoos.
‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) September 19, 2016
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
‘ Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 14, 2016
RACCOON: I'm being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he's wearing a mask
911: maybe he's your
RACCOON: nevermind, it ‘s my husband
‘ Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) September 22, 2016
I've never walked into a restaurant bathroom and a version of the song Valerie isn't playing.
‘ Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) September 22, 2016
No one seems to care how ironic it is that I'll never see the “Now You See Me” movies.
‘ Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) September 22, 2016
did…did he make the sign? pic.twitter.com/XXmuHfTIoA
‘ Anthony Oliveira (@meakoopa) September 22, 2016
Current White Guilt Level: Pretty sure we killed the dinosaurs.
‘ penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) September 16, 2016
In a dream, I couldn't remember the word “platypus” so I called it a “business seal.”
‘ the attention economist (@emilyhughes) September 13, 2016
im so fucki g stupid I owe the macarthurs $600 bucks
‘ bens rights activist (@UniqueDude2) September 22, 2016
Spaghetti is just a wig you can fuck.
‘ Autopsy Turvy (@pantsfaced) March 29, 2016
“I'm actually not sure my character would do that.” – me when I'm invited to a huge party
‘ Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) September 20, 2016
[Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: “What’s his name?”
Me: “The movie’s starting, Ethan.”
‘ Jory John (@joryjohn) March 20, 2016