By: Funny Or Die

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Trump’s Excuses For Last Night’s Debate Performance

The first 2016 Presidential Debate is in the books, with many media outlets proclaiming a victory for Hillary Clinton. So, what were Trump ‘s excuses?

It was tough to pay attention to the questions and furiously delete tweets on my phone at the same time.

My aides insisted I don ‘t use the word “sweetie ‘ and it really threw off my normal flow of talking to a woman.

I had a bad mic and let me tell you I gotta say my friend Sidney Blumenthal he ‘s one of the you know Obama made a lot of mistakes in his time as well, Hillary is a politician and we all hate politicians so I how was I supposed to just ask my friends what they think of my finances and they ‘ll tell you my DC Hotel what a hotel you gotta see it it ‘s beautiful it ‘s a machine of wealth and beauty and not racism.

Look, I did in that debate what I do for all my businesses: fail miserably.

I kept waiting for someone from the police department, who I love, to stop and frisk Lester Holt.

It ‘s hard to cheat on your taxes and cheat to win a debate at the same time.

I was distracted by an iPad on my podium that was playing a marathon of Law and Order.

Right before I got on stage I made a little poopy in my diapey, and they wouldn ‘t delay the start for me. I had a little poopy in my diapey the whole debate.

Everyone is saying I did very poorly, but nobody is calling Sean Hannity. He and I talked for hours about how I performed amazingly. Call him.

After mentioning that fat pig Rosie O'Donnell, I couldn ‘t stop picturing a fictional character called Rosie O'Donald that is a mashup of she and I. I had to text my very good best friend Lorne Michaels right away.

Honestly, I was surprised to see that “Secretary ‘ Clinton wasn ‘t that just there to take down the minutes.

It ‘s not fair. Hillary Clinton has dedicated her life to this, I ‘ve had what? 18 months? AT MOST. You ask me, I did pretty good job. All of my beautiful sons agree.

Former Miss Universe Alicia Machado gained so much weight, have I mentioned that? I get irrational when when a fat woman exists and I know about it.

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