By: Alex Pearson

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50 Ways To Make The Next Debate Better

The first 2016 presidential debate between Clinton and Trump is in the history books, which means we still have two more to go. Here are a few suggestions to make the next ones a little more enjoyable for everyone.

  1. Flonase
  2. Melania Trump and Bill Clinton not only have a ceremonial handshake but also a ceremonial slow dance
  3. All the candidates from the primaries are brought on stage and acknowledged through a brief Soul Train Line
  4. After being introduced, Trump walks right up to the audience and does the old LeBron James chalk toss thing
  5. Clinton wears the same red outfit, but this time with a smiley face drawn on it in black marker, and enters by crashing through a wall
  6. Gary Johnson is finally allowed on the debate stage, but he can only mime
  7. We occasionally cut to reaction shots of President Obama live from his couch, where he ‘s already flipped over to TNT to watch the second half of The Da Vinci Code
  8. Tissue slots in the podiums
  9. There ‘s a sweet retired first grade teacher who has volunteered to help any candidate blow their nose
  10. The moderator can employ reggaeton horns at their discretion, but only for a truly exceptional zinger
  11. During timeouts, we are treated to choreographed numbers from Trump ‘s dance squad, the Stop and Friskettes
  12. Lester Holt dresses as his super hero alter ego, The Silencer, roaming the aisles and duct taping the mouth of anyone who cheers or boos
  13. The question of stamina is finally settled by a surprise visit from Richard Simmons
  14. An on-site smiling coach
  15. Joe Biden shows up drunk and gets some shit off his chest
  16. Every time Trump interrupts, he is slimed
  17. Bernie Sanders gets three water balloons to use as he sees fit
  18. Whenever Clinton does her signature shoulder shimmy, her body doubles join as backup dancers
  19. There ‘s a pop quiz where Tim Kaine and Mike Pence are brought on stage and the candidates must try to identify which one is theirs
  20. Trump refuses to release tax records. Clinton refuses to release emails. However, they both agree to open their podiums and release dozens of white doves
  21. Clinton not only proudly says she prepared to be president, she also introduces the movers she ‘s had on retainer since 2008
  22. An eccentric slackline artist performs between the two podiums, who, by rule, cannot be acknowledged by the debaters
  23. A sumo wrestler in a Guy Fawkes mask briefly hijacks the video feed from his webcam to prove all the 400-pound hacker doubters wrong
  24. During debate halftime, we get a behind-the-scenes look inside the locker room at the candidates ‘ halftime speech from Coach Eric Taylor
  25. Jill Stein is allowed to skulk among the rafters wearing a cape and a mask that covers half her face. All made of hemp
  26. Just to mess with everyone, a Chinese diplomat keeps sneaking over and turning up the thermostat
  27. Trump fully embraces his persona, continually punctuating audible burps and farts with his catchphrase: ‘That ‘s called business, by the way ‘
  28. If mentioned, Miss Piggy rises up from behind the moderator ‘s table and exclaims, ‘Moi? ‘
  29. Speaking of which, balcony heckling from Statler and Waldorf
  30. Or, depending on availability, Statler and Sanders
  31. Or Sanders and Waldorf
  32. The rarest Pokemon Go creature is located somewhere in the first three rows
  33. Your remote ‘s mute button
  34. After five minutes of debate, the rest of the show is a Prince tribute
  35. Post-debate ‘body language experts ‘ are accompanied on panels alongside their peers, pet psychics
  36. To prove they have ‘the look, ‘ at least one candidate dresses up like Uncle Sam and wears stilts
  37. A training montage of Hillary Clinton ruggedly travelling to 112 countries to negotiate international agreements intercut with shots of Donald Trump training in Vladimir Putin ‘s gym of futuristic debate equipment
  38. A break in the action so anybody with a Harambe sign can get tazed and we can all watch
  39. Trump ‘s doctor is invited on stage to reveal his health rankings of all presidential candidates ever
  40. All the dishwashers, painters, architects, glass installers, marble installers, and drapery installers stiffed by Trump gather at the barricades for a triumphant song of protest
  41. An exclusive interview with Brian Williams about the challenges of moderating Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at the first debate
  42. Trump wears toy Hulk hands
  43. A chicken fight on the shoulders of their VP candidates in an above ground pool
  44. Whenever Clinton says ‘Trumped-up Trickle Down, ‘ it is repeated by the voiceover guy from monster truck commercials
  45. Someone dressed as the ghost of Douglas MacArthur shows up and flips them both off
  46. A ten-minute Freaky Friday round
  47. Pie-eating contest (no hands)
  48. Howard Dean comes after Trump with a steel chair
  49. Chris Christie, dressed as the Ultimate Warrior, stops him
  50. Get drunk. Don ‘t watch

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