By: Keaton Patti
Hey! You interns! It ‘s me. Frank, Head of Human Resources.
Wanna see a dead body and the job that opened up because of it?
C ‘mon! You still have 10 minutes left on the 15 minute lunch break you ‘re allowed to take once every 2 weeks. Follow me into the woods near the office parking lot that you ‘re not allowed to park at until you become an actual employee and not just an unpaid and unliked intern.
The body ‘s just down this trail. Make sure you don ‘t muddy up your shoes. Remember, any interns found wearing muddy shoes in the office have to get the higher ups coffee from the nicest Starbucks in Chicago. That ‘s a hell of a task seeing how we ‘re in California.
Stop. Here it is. That ‘s the body of Clint Lucas, former Account Executive. That job comes with a $60,000 a year starting salary, a company car (Nissan Altima or cooler), and full benefits. I ‘m talking dental, vision, and prescriptions. All covered.
Hell, with coverage like that, if Clint hadn ‘t fallen down this ravine while taking his pre-work jog, he ‘d have lived forever, his 401K getting fatter and fatter on the company ‘s dime.
Now that job is up for grabs, interns, and guess what? We like to hire internally.
Any of you wanna poke the body with a stick? It ‘d show initiative and courage, two things we look for in an Account Executive. It ‘d also show great skill at poking dead things with a stick, which impresses any possible employer.
All of you want to poke it? Go for it!
Only one of you can have the job, but if any other of you interns stand out to me, I ‘ll put in a good word for you. Maybe you won ‘t be forced to wear those shirts that say “I ‘m an intern, so I deserve to be treated like shit. ‘ No promises, but maybe.
That ‘s some mighty fine poking, Megan! How would you like Clint ‘s old job?
Perfect! We ‘ll work on the paperwork when we get back to the office.
The rest of you interns showed truly admirable abilities to work as a team and to not call the police on me for doing this. As a reward, I ‘ll make sure the CEO doesn ‘t call you “slaves, but uglier ‘ anymore this week.
I ‘m proud of you guys. I ‘m not sure what I ‘d do without you interns.
I ‘d probably have to do actual work. Hahahahaha.
That ‘d fucking suck.