By: Keaton Patti
Thank you for using PupGene, the most reliable service in analyzing your dog ‘s DNA to discover its breed makeup!
Our analysis of the DNA from your dog, Molly, has discovered the following:
-Molly is 50% Airedale Terrier.
-Molly is 50% Golden Retriever.
-Molly murdered Nicole Brown Simpson.
We at PupGene realize this may come as a surprise to you since your pre-analysis guess of Molly ‘s breed makeup was 25% Cocker Spaniel, 25% Labrador Retriever, 50% Golden Retriever, and you claimed you were positive there was no chance Molly was in the Los Angeles area on June 12, 1994 and she bore no ill will towards Nicole Simpson.
However, our tests prove otherwise.
Molly ‘s genetics prove she ‘s half terrier and half retriever and match directly with the unexplained DNA on Nicole Simpson ‘s body. Clearly LAPD never though to check if the DNA was canine DNA. Hard to blame them seeing how most murders are committed by humans, followed closely by birds and fish.
It ‘s rarely ever dogs, but this time it definitely is.
Molly owes O.J. Simpson an apology. In fact, the whole world owes O.J. an apology, but mainly your murderous dog.
I know what you ‘re going to say, ‘Molly can ‘t be 50% Airedale! She doesn ‘t look like an Airedale at all. Plus, Molly is only 2 years old and Nicole Simpson ‘s murder happened 22 years ago. All of this, especially the Airedale business, is insane and I want my $50 back. ‘
Despite appearances, Molly is 50% Airedale and she did kill Nicole Simpson. What a lot of people don ‘t know since it ‘s a fact I just decided was true, is that Airedale ‘s often look 40 years younger than they really are. Since Molly is half Airedale, she looks half of that, and so she appears 20 years younger. That explains everything.
Oh, and you want your $50 back? Well Nicole Simpson wants her life back. So tough.
Many of our customers often ask if they should treat their dogs any differently with their new breed knowledge. The answer is yes!
Airedales and Golden Retrievers are very active breeds, so Molly should be getting walked at least 3 times a day.
Also, murderers of Nicole Simpson are very dangerous breeds, so Molly should always wear a muzzle while on walks, and walks should only be from your house directly to the Los Angeles police precinct in order to turn her in. Being a dog, she should only get 30 or so years in prison. She ‘ll be out in 20 if she ‘s truly a good girl.
I want to thank you again for using PupGene and remind you and the rest of the world about apologizing to O.J. Simpson. He clearly didn ‘t do it and Molly did.
O.J. Simpson, owner, head researcher, and only employee of PupGene
P.S. Molly didn ‘t kill Ron Goldman. Another dog did that. I can ‘t tell you which dog, but I ‘ll give you a hint: It ‘s one of Obama ‘s dogs and it ‘s named Bo.
If you liked this article, check out our famous ‘Dog DNA ‘ video: