The 5 Most “Teachable Moments” From Last Night’s ‘Those Who Can’t’

1. Loren gets friend-dumped by a 19-year-old lifeguard named Cody.

School is almost back in session at Smoot High, which is good news for Loren, Billy, Fairbell, and Abbey because it sounds like their summer vacations were sun-drenched nightmares.

Billy rebounded hard off of his ‘trial separation ‘ from his wife and started seeing someone new. All we know about this mystery woman is that she has a voracious appetite for sex ‘ and cold cuts.

Abbey went to Africa on a volunteer mission to build a library and somehow managed to start a civil war in the two days before she caught some disease that turned her colon into an open poop pipe-line and had to be airlifted out.

At least it sounds like Fairbell had a pretty good time driving a Lyft all summer ‘ I think?

But the biggest bummer-of-a-summer goes to Loren, who developed a bit of a man-crush on Cody, the cool teen he worked with at the water park.

This ‘summer lovin ‘ ‘ ended in heartbreak when Cody ditched Loren to hang out with this kid Dalton, even though Dalton talks shit behind Cody ‘s back and didn ‘t even show up to Cody ‘s birthday party.

Lesson Learned: Make new friends, but keep the old, because teens are cruel as hell and, like, only care about popularity.

2. Rod comes back to Smoot sober as a priest and his friends HATE it.

Last time Rod was at Smoot, he was dressed up as a piss-drunk confederate soldier. And he was actually piss-drunk.

But Interim Principal Tammy has give Rod a second chance and it looks like he ‘s off the party train and on the wagon.

The rest of the teachers are pissed off because the ‘New Rod ‘ is a total asshole who wants to help his friends get their shitty lives together. But instead of trying to pull themselves out of the gutter, they decide it ‘s way, way easier to push Rod back into it.

Lesson Learned: Take a good hard look in the mirror. If you don ‘t like what you see, smash that stupid mirror to pieces.

3. Fairbell gets a face-full of broken glass trying to ‘Mission Impossible ‘ some hooch into Rod ‘s coffee.

The teachers want to shove Rod straight off of his sober wagon by spiking his morning cup of Joe. Only problem, not morally speaking, is that his classroom door is locked.

Abbey thinks that she can flirt with the janitor and steal his keys, but it looks like she learned the art of seduction from those Bugs Bunny cartoons where he put on a wig and a dress to make out with Elmer Fudd.

So the gang decides to lower Fairbell down from the ducts, but when Abbey has to go drop a mini-mudslide, Billy loses the handle on the rope and Fairbell goes from ‘Tom Cruise ‘ to ‘Tom Bruises-And-Severe-Internal-Bleeding. ‘

Maybe it ‘s just the head trauma, but at least Fairbell manages to see the sunny side of things.

Lesson Learned: They ‘re always a silver lining, even when your intestinal lining is being torn to shreds.

4. Just when Interim Principal Tammy is about to fire Loren, Billy, and Fairbell, a new principal with a Donald Trump tan shows up and saves the day.

Tammy finds out about the guys ‘ plan to cash in Rod ‘s sixth month chip and finally has a shot at living out her life-long dream of firing their asses.

But Tammy spends too much time gloating and not enough time firing! Before she can take this three-way termination to the hole, the ‘district fixer ‘ Cattie Goodman walks straight out of a tanning bed and into Smoot High.

Now Interim Principal Tammy is back to being Secretary Tammy and Smoot is gonna be run by bottle of spray on tanner come to life.

Lesson Learned: You miss 100% of the shots you don ‘t take and also the ones that are Mutumbo-ed by pantsuit-wearing Tan Mom look-a-likes.

5. Rod catches Billy and his ‘mystery woman, ‘ who turns out to be Rod ‘s mom, going to town in a bathroom stall.

Loren, Billy, Abbey, and Fairbell are sick tired of a sober Rod constantly trying to help them beat their demons and start living their best lives, so they stage a ‘reverse intervention. ‘ I guess he hit ‘rock bottom. ‘ But if he ‘s sober, does that make it, like, ‘soft top? ‘ Or, like, ‘pillow mountain? ‘

Anyway, the intervention is a huge flop, but they say that when God closes one door, he opens up another. In this case, that door happens to be on the bathroom stall where Billy and Rod ‘s mom are banging the bejeezus out of each other.

The good news is we finally know who Billy ‘s mystery woman is! The bad news is Rod has a lot more questions. Really fucked-up questions. And he ‘s looking for answers at the bottom of a bottle of whiskey. So he ‘s not sober anymore, but at least he ‘s got his friends back. Which is good ‘ I think?

Lesson Learned: You can ‘t help someone until they ‘re ready to get help ‘ or until they see that which cannot be unseen.