27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #55

National Boyfriend Day has really gotten away from what St. Boyfriend was trying to teach us.

‘ David Bluvband (@Bluvband) October 5, 2016

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ugh my freaking 8th grade boyfriend is in charge of facebook trending topics again pic.twitter.com/rcFji1FcKA

‘ mary houlihan (@maryhoulie) October 7, 2016

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Love is finding an emergency contact you can have sex with

‘ Megan Amram (@meganamram) September 30, 2016

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“Please, tell me more about your spinning class.” pic.twitter.com/lg4WV5lndt

‘ Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) October 6, 2016

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Life isn't even THAT MUCH like a highway.

‘ Dave Shumka (@daveshumka) October 3, 2016

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They're called “The Doors” because that's what everybody starts heading for when you start playing them.

‘ Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) October 6, 2016

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midnight… the witching hour… the safest time for me to admit i don't like the new radiohead song

‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) October 6, 2016

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Sometimes I write down words that rhyme and mail them to my favorite rappers because I care about them I don't want them ever to get stuck

‘ Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) October 5, 2016

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i don't normally get tongue-tied around celebs but oh my god!!!!! pic.twitter.com/TubtZgXiy1

‘ monica heisey (@monicaheisey) October 4, 2016

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“Baby, I love you as much as the Pasadena Weekly film critic loves the movies currently in theaters.” pic.twitter.com/tU1Giwl5xY

‘ Alex Scordelis (@alexscordelis) October 3, 2016

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HBO: before you pitch, just remember we love nudes
WESTWORLD SHOWRUNNER: what if I told you … there was a whole WAREHOUSE of nudes

‘ Adam Conover (@adamconover) October 5, 2016

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pic.twitter.com/pYCixWWWhb

‘ bauhausfanaccoun jameson enema extravaganza ? (@hypedresonance) October 5, 2016

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Everyone knows horses are just fuckable cows.

‘ shelby fero (@shelbyfero) October 1, 2016

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Ok but why do I look like the fucking ride pic.twitter.com/lhbwNPpn6F

‘ Christine Sydelko (@csydelko) October 3, 2016

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“What will it take to show the world he is unfit to be president?”
Moderator: favorite Disney film?
Hillary: The Lion King
Trump: ANASTASIA

‘ Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) October 6, 2016

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Trump at Ellis Island: deport, wife, deport, deport, wife, deport, deport, can stay if she loses 30lbs, deport, give to my sons to hunt

‘ Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) October 1, 2016

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“Governor Pence, last week Donald Trump said-“
“Pass.”
“Um. OK? Well yesterday he said-“
“Pass.”
“Sir you can't just-“
“Physical challenge.”

‘ Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) October 5, 2016

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You’ve heard of the Irish goodbye well this is an Italian goodbye (kissing either side of the asshole and then saying ciao into it)

‘ extremely online guy (@nickmullen) October 2, 2016

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My mom reminded me that when I was a teenager I rollerbladed to my therapy appointments, if that wasn't a cry for help, I don't know what is

‘ Sarah (@thetigersez) October 6, 2016

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I have a lightsaber next to my bed just in case someone ever breaks in, I can make them feel sorry for me.

‘ Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) October 3, 2016

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The little Incognito Tab Guy can't look me in the eye anymore.

‘ J.B. 4 Realz (@JB4Realz) May 26, 2016

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The weatherman said it's nice outside. I guess they don't let him watch the rest of the news.

‘ Piece (@Piecezilla) June 17, 2015

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*my house gets blown down by a hurricane*
ME: I HAD A SANDWICH IN THERE

‘ the high class soap boy (@trojansauce) October 5, 2016

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there's gotta be a better way to say this pic.twitter.com/7C5FMgV5R5

‘ phil matarese (@philorphilip) October 6, 2016

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I blame Pokemon Go for this clown epidemic. Too many people leaving their homes and doing fantasy stuff outside. Keep that stuff private.

‘ Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) October 6, 2016

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Wow, this picture of creepy clowns near the woods is absolutely terrifying pic.twitter.com/BzQHKDufjL

‘ Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) October 6, 2016