By: Jason Flowers
Don ‘t turn around! This week ‘s tweets are right behind you.
My wife reported a creepy clown sighting in our bedroom but I was in there and I didn ‘t see anything.
‘ Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) October 11, 2016
Haunted house prices seem a little expensive when you realize it's free to be scared by teens everywhere else
‘ Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) October 9, 2016
put tombstones in your front yard with your neighbors names.
‘ Ivsy (@Ivsy01) October 12, 2016
For Halloween this year I'm going as a fatter version of myself last year.
‘ mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 12, 2016
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that's lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can't afford this
‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) October 11, 2016
most dead-on perfect meme ever pic.twitter.com/8APBByQe4n
‘ John Squires (@FreddyInSpace) October 13, 2016
Here is a list of things that are invisible:
‘ Flora underscore underscore Flora (@Flora__Flora) October 12, 2016
I'm a ride or die bitch unless it's Wednesday then I'm just myself
‘ Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) October 13, 2016
RATATOUILLE IS– nno– stop it
[being wrestled to the ground of the walmart dvd section]
RATATOUILLE IS JUST AIR BUD FOR MILENIALS
‘ jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 12, 2016
My music career was cut tragically short when I was always bad at all of it and then died
‘ mike (@MikeOdenthal) April 27, 2016
I let one cactus die, shame on me. I let six cactuses die, shame on the curse there must be a curse I don't know what I'm doing wrong
‘ Jo Firestone (@kingfirestorm) October 11, 2016
Do these corduroys make me look like I have the Felicity DVD box set?
‘ Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 13, 2016
If people were Jeopardy clues, I'd be a $400.
‘ Artie Johann (@DearAnyone) October 11, 2016
ALEX TREBEK: This is the greatest mistake you can make.
DAD: [buzzes in] Who is my son?
[a single “aww” is heard in the crowd]
‘ Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) October 10, 2016
Glasses are the windows to the windows of the soul.
‘ Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) October 11, 2016
What do people on motorcycles want from us? Are we supposed to be in awe of their loud machine?
‘ Lauren Lapkus (@laurenlapkus) October 9, 2016
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. pic.twitter.com/yBvMx5ASjD
‘ Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) October 13, 2016
[selling the first hammock]
Think of being stuck in a net, but only the relaxing parts.
‘ Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) October 10, 2016
It doesn't matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
‘ bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) June 9, 2016
I only try Snapchat filters at 3am when I can't sleep & I look like a monster inspecting the camcorder at the end of a found footage movie
‘ regular person (@Merman_Melville) October 10, 2016
My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day
‘ opeimu (@iamopeimu) October 10, 2016
The TODAY show has an awful lot of drama for a show that could easily be nice footage of a tropical fish aquarium.
‘ John Mulaney (@mulaney) October 10, 2016
it's sad how seriously we're taking stuff trump said 11 years ago. also a bunch of dead dudes said i could bring my shotgun into this kroger
‘ rob whisman (@robwhisman) October 8, 2016
*The cast of Dinosaurs reunite to record a video where they say Trump is “worse than a stegosaurus”*
Me: This is powerful
‘ beloved comedy institution ‘the pixelated boat ‘ (@pixelatedboat) October 12, 2016
this election is like if we wanted to make a chocolate cake and all we had for ingredients were tuna and mustard and everyones like fuck it
‘ paperwash ‘ (@PaperWash) October 10, 2016
my locker room talk is mostly trying to spread the rumor that the public television dog Wishbone died in the 9/11 terror attacks
‘ Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) October 11, 2016
With this election we're simultaneously breaking through the glass ceiling and the rock bottom. We got a really big room now
‘ Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 10, 2016
Soccer mom JEANNIE TATE hosts a talk show from her minivan. Special guests Rashida Jones (The Office) and stand-up comedian Jordan Carlos (Comedy Central).
As U.S. President Barack Obama makes a historic first trip to Cuba, former Cuban president Fidel Castro makes an address to the visiting leader about how to best avoid insulting the Cuban people. He also has some advice on what to bring now that the trade embargo has been lifted.