By: Jason Flowers
Don ‘t turn around! This week ‘s tweets are right behind you.
My wife reported a creepy clown sighting in our bedroom but I was in there and I didn ‘t see anything.
‘ Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) October 11, 2016
Haunted house prices seem a little expensive when you realize it's free to be scared by teens everywhere else
‘ Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) October 9, 2016
put tombstones in your front yard with your neighbors names.
‘ Ivsy (@Ivsy01) October 12, 2016
For Halloween this year I'm going as a fatter version of myself last year.
‘ mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 12, 2016
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that's lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can't afford this
‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) October 11, 2016
most dead-on perfect meme ever pic.twitter.com/8APBByQe4n
‘ John Squires (@FreddyInSpace) October 13, 2016
Here is a list of things that are invisible:
‘ Flora underscore underscore Flora (@Flora__Flora) October 12, 2016
I'm a ride or die bitch unless it's Wednesday then I'm just myself
‘ Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) October 13, 2016
RATATOUILLE IS– nno– stop it
[being wrestled to the ground of the walmart dvd section]
RATATOUILLE IS JUST AIR BUD FOR MILENIALS
‘ jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 12, 2016
My music career was cut tragically short when I was always bad at all of it and then died
‘ mike (@MikeOdenthal) April 27, 2016
I let one cactus die, shame on me. I let six cactuses die, shame on the curse there must be a curse I don't know what I'm doing wrong
‘ Jo Firestone (@kingfirestorm) October 11, 2016
Do these corduroys make me look like I have the Felicity DVD box set?
‘ Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 13, 2016
If people were Jeopardy clues, I'd be a $400.
‘ Artie Johann (@DearAnyone) October 11, 2016
ALEX TREBEK: This is the greatest mistake you can make.
DAD: [buzzes in] Who is my son?
[a single “aww” is heard in the crowd]
‘ Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) October 10, 2016
Glasses are the windows to the windows of the soul.
‘ Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) October 11, 2016
What do people on motorcycles want from us? Are we supposed to be in awe of their loud machine?
‘ Lauren Lapkus (@laurenlapkus) October 9, 2016
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. pic.twitter.com/yBvMx5ASjD
‘ Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) October 13, 2016
After seeing photos of unintimidating troublemakers, Natasha Leggero, Sarah Tiana and Jeff Ross guess what lackluster crimes they may have committed. Watch full episodes of @midnight now: http://on.cc.com/17MOT5T