By: Keaton Patti
Hey! I saw your moving van so I figured I ‘d say hello. My name ‘s Ted and I live next door. Welcome to Cormorant! You couldn ‘t have picked a nicer town in Minnesota. You also couldn ‘t have picked a town with a leader as corrupt as our fucking mayor.
His name is Duke. He ‘s a liar, a cheat, and an immoral son of a bitch. Duke ‘s also a dog, so that last statement isn ‘t an insult so much as it ‘s a fact.
We voted a dog to be our mayor since we figured we ‘re such a small town that things would really manage themselves and it ‘d be cute to have a Great Pyrenees as a mayor.
We were fucking wrong.
Duke ‘s insane.
First day in office he stormed into every business in town and growled, barked, and bit the owners until they bribed him away. You ‘d think you ‘d bribe a dog with treats or belly rubs, right? Not Duke. Dude wanted cold hard cash. Even after he got a mouthful of hundreds, he still took a giant shit in front of the stores. He ‘s the first mayor of ours to ever do that, I ‘ll tell you what.
You think I ‘m joking, don ‘t you? You think I ‘m Carlos Fucking Mencia, don ‘t you? Well I ‘m not Carlos Mencia. In fact, nobody is Carlos Mencia anymore since the mayor killed him. Mencia drove through our town and parked in the mayor ‘s parking space on accident and Duke went ballistic. Chewed his funny face off.
When the sheriff went to arrest him, Duke had just ripped to shreds the part of the Cormorant town charter that stated murder was illegal, so he couldn ‘t be charged. Then he took a giant shit on the sheriff who just had to stand there and take it.
There ‘s a statue of that moment in the center of town. Duke had it built with money that was supposed to go towards removing the asbestos from our hospital.
You have a daughter? Yikes. Don ‘t let Duke find out. You don ‘t want to know why. Trust me. Same goes for your wife. And your son. And you.
God, Duke ‘s fucking disgusting.
Err, I shouldn ‘t say ‘God ‘ and neither should you. Duke barked out an executive order last week that he is the town ‘s only deity and should be worshiped as such. You ‘re gonna wanna take off that cross necklace, if Duke sees it, he ‘ll take a giant shit on it and then make you keep wearing it.
Why don ‘t we just elect a new mayor? We ‘ve tried. He rigs the elections. Last one we had Duke won 43,584 to 1. I know for sure my wife and I voted against him, so that doesn ‘t add up. Also, this town only has 240 people in it, so I ‘m not sure where those 43,345 other votes came from. Probably Duke.
Of course, not everything is so bad. We have the beautiful Minnesota scenery and tranquil lakes. Lakes filled with the bodies of Duke ‘s enemies and, sure, but lakes nonetheless. Yeah, as long as you keep to yourself, Cormorant isn ‘t half bad.
Wait, is that kitty litter? Do you have a cat?
Dude, you ‘re fucked.