By: Jason Flowers
Be careful not to take too much of these tweets at once.
Don't really smoke weed but I assume a “body high” is similar to the feeling one gets watching a Nancy Meyers movie.
‘ DC Pierson (@DCpierson) March 8, 2016
Marijuana is the gateway drug to taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy.
‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) April 26, 2016
Your election year porn name is the street you grew up on & the policy you wish your state had. I’m Thrush Legal Weed.
‘ Kashana (@kashanacauley) July 30, 2016
*walks up to grocery clerk*
I would like to buy this marijuana
‘Sir, that ‘s broccoli ‘
*whispers really loud*
It ‘s okay I ‘m not a cop
‘ Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) May 18, 2016
Some people say marijuana makes you dumb, but I smoke all the time and my IQ is 420.
‘ Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) May 9, 2016
Hell yea I'll have a joint. A joint session of Congress to make marijuana illegal
‘ Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 20, 2016
Smoke all my weed once fool me once
Smoke all my weed twice fool me twice
Smoke all my weed three times fool me 3 times
‘ Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) January 21, 2016
Mufasa: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
Simba: What about the shadowy place?
Mufasa: That's where the cool kids smoke weed.
‘ OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 4, 2016
one of my favorite bob marley songs is the one that goes: [in bob marley voice] ” great news! got me some marijuana! love that stuff!”
‘ larry crappleton (@Karate_Horse) March 15, 2016
people who say dogs are loyal obviously never met my pug Jerome who got himself a new weed dealer on the other side of town
‘ Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) September 25, 2016
Maybe cats can smell weed just as well as dogs, they're just not FUCKING NARCS.
‘ Chelsea Davison (@chelsea_davison) August 30, 2016
ive never been high on weed, i only smoke pot bitch
‘ goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) August 19, 2016
Doctor: are you an active marijuana user?
Me: not really, I usually just sit on the couch and play video games
‘ DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) August 23, 2016
All I need in this life of sin is my weed and my baby wipes
‘ gabrus (@Gabrus) July 28, 2016
Is the media covering the election well? Here to discuss is a Klan member and a large bag of weed.
‘ Alex Baze (@bazecraze) September 5, 2016
[my wife & i catch our son smoking weed]
ME: i'll talk to him
[wife walks away]
ME: we're very disa ‘ok shes gone. when did u get so fkn cool
‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) August 17, 2016
Me: If male twins & female twins from separate families procreate will their kids look the same?
Guy: I can't sell you anymore weed.
‘ Mike Primavera (@primawesome) August 10, 2016
Nate Dogg sang “Smoke weed every day,” and now he's dead. Maybe that will teach us a thing or two about the dangers of singing
‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) October 17, 2016
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: The accused had $74,088,000 worth of marijuana
JUDGE: Is that a lot?
DA: It's 420 cubed
JUDGE: Holy Sh-
‘ Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) May 28, 2016
It's funny when tough dudes brag about how much they love weed cause that's just admitting “My main hobby has to do with my feelings”
‘ Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) February 24, 2016
Study finds years of marijuana use can damage your verbal short-term ‘verbal ‘you know, your ability to retrieve, to, that is, recall words or
‘ Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 2, 2016
me: we named you after things i gave up when we got married
weed: oh now i get it
golf: yeah that seems obvious now
BJ: i still dont get it
‘ k e e t (@KeetPotato) February 18, 2016
“Can I buy some marijuana?”
Sorry. That's illegal.
“Ok then I'll just take 7 assault rifles, and 4 bazookas.”
‘ Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) January 15, 2016
In the spirit of The Superbowl Shuffle and the music of Cory and the Fins, meet our MLS All-Stars as they rap their hit, “We’re Better Than the Rest!”
In response to Ted Nugent’s terrible and misogynistic Fox News-watching ritual, Janet Varney, Craig Rowin and Rich Fulcher wonder what else he does while lounging around. Watch full episodes of @midnight now: http://on.cc.com/17MOT5T
Nick Offerman and Bob Odenkirk star in this exclusive clip from Drunk History; airing on Comedy Central Tuesdays at 10/9 central.