By: Mike Pence
In Honor Of Our Victory, I Shall Now Impregnate My Wife
What a wild ride. We persevered through rough terrain and led a hard-fought campaign. I couldn ‘t be happier for President-elect Donald Trump, the American people, and I cannot wait to celebrate with the walking collection of tubes I call my wife.
Heck (please, Lord, excuse my language), I am so jazzed (sorry, Lord, for referencing the devil ‘s music) for this next chapter in American history that tonight I plan to make a human being inside the receptacle I ‘ve had by my side for over 30 years.
Now to just make sure I ‘m clear, I am NOT talking about forcing myself on her, for I ‘m not a monster; I am just a normal man who ‘s made it his life ‘s mission to deprive others of normal rights. I ‘m simply requesting my sack of flesh to do the following:
- reapply makeup
- wait in bed while I get worked up about knowing that men can marry men
- lay quietly while I begin sexual intercourse without birth control (a scourge of the earth that should not be available) and avoid eye contact with anyone but the reflection of myself in the mirror I have over the bedrest.
- promise to not move while I pump precisely 26 times and make a human being despite any agenda she had for the rest of her life.
Pretty straightforward. We ‘re talking 4 minutes, tops, which is what I call “a strong campaign.”