By: Keaton Patti
Per tradition, every year around Thanksgiving the President of the United States pardons a single turkey, saving it from the dinner table and allowing it to go on with its turkey life. While most believe this is merely a good press opportunity for the President, many don ‘t realize the turkeys being pardoned are actual turkey criminals. All have committed crimes and have been sentenced to death, and only the President ‘s pardon will save them from receiving the justice they deserve.
Below are the six turkey criminals most likely to be pardoned by Obama.
Tom “The Turkey ‘ Luciano
This 10-month-old turkey looks young, but for 9 of those months he ‘s been the head of the infamous Luciano mafia family. Tom ‘s linked to 20 counts of racketeering, 12 counts of arson (Burned down ever Boston Market in Boston), and 3 counts of pecking the eyes out of people who definitely wanted to keep their eyes. It ‘s rumored Luciano ‘s connections are so powerful that he rigged both the World Series and the last season of The Voice. They say Tom “The Turkey ‘ Luciano never gets angry, he gets extremely angry and then pecks your eyes out.
John Wings Gobsy
FDR famously stated that we have nothing to fear but fear itself, but that ‘s because FDR never met John Wings Gobsy, the scariest, and only, turkey serial killer known to man. Gobsy ‘s victims, mainly people who enjoy quoting FDR, are painfully killed and prepared in the same manner as a Thanksgiving turkey. Gobsy fills them with stuffing, places them in a hot oven, bastes the bodies, forgets how long they ‘ve been in the oven, overcooks them, gets upset at himself for ruining them, and then orders a pizza. John Wings Gobsy has killed over 14 people and even PETA wants him painfully tortured to death.
Swipesy is the Carmen Sandiego of the turkey world. Name a monument, famous work of art, or expensive jewel, Swipesy ‘s stolen it. Twice. She can blend in anywhere, like a chameleon shaped like a turkey, and her stealth skills make even the best ninjas look like the worst ninjas. Remember that Malaysian plane that disappeared? It ‘s in Swipesy ‘s living room, a living room she stole from George Clooney ‘s mansion. Swipesy doesn ‘t give a fuck what she steals. She even steals bad things. She stole the national debt of Canada for an entire year and paid off most of it. She ‘s insane.
Murderers and thieves are obviously bad, but it ‘s the white collar turkey criminals that are truly evil. Snood McDonald is the acting CEO of Comcast, Ticketmaster, and a company that ‘s sole purpose is drowning kittens in acid. Snood came up with the idea of a “Convenience Fee ‘ and donated every dollar he earned from the fee to Donald Trump ‘s Presidential campaign. He alone caused the dotcom bubble to burst, the housing market to crash, and Firefly to be cancelled. Snood doesn ‘t even care if he isn ‘t pardoned. He can buy his way out of anything. He once paid Mark Zuckerberg $50 million to eat a basketball and the dude ate the basketball. And we ‘re not talking WNBA size. It was a big basketball.
As opposed to other turkeys that have full names, this feathered fiend is known only as “Mr. X. ‘ He ‘s been in and out of supermax prisons like most people are in and out of Starbucks. He also robs Starbucks as often as most people don ‘t rob Starbucks. He ‘s good friends with El Chapo and has busted the Mexican crime kingpin out of prison just to ask him how he ‘s doing and to buy him a drink at Starbucks before robbing it. He ‘s considered one of the most dangerous animals alive and there ‘s only one place that is safe from his terror: any area that isn ‘t a Starbucks.
This is just Edward Snowden in disguise as a turkey. He ‘s the least likely one to be pardoned.