26 Tweets About Twitter That We’re Gonna Need You To Read By The End Of The Day

“Twitter” is a much better name than “24-Hour Reminder That People Are Awful App.”

‘ Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) September 28, 2016

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Police: can you tell us what you were doing on these dates?

Me: can I check my twitter?

‘ Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) November 2, 2016

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“Can you please not mention me in your Twitter bio? You look and sound like a fucking idiot.” – God

‘ Dan Cronin (@croninwhocares) November 28, 2016

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can't believe I'm in THE bathroom stall twitter was based on pic.twitter.com/Fm9Fw0VSsc

‘ Churlish (@Cryptoterra) September 22, 2016

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Doctor: Show me where it hurts.

[shows him a list of the funniest people to follow on Twitter and I’m not on it]

‘ (@Sassafrantz) October 26, 2016

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[first day as an astronaut]
Crew: the earth looks amazing from up here. Makes you realise how insignificant we are
Me: I'm famous on twitter

‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 29, 2016

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Me on Twitter: Feelings are for idiots
Me irl: Got sad at the mattress store for the one mattress smaller than all the others

‘ Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) November 28, 2016

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2011: Twitter seems like a fun investment of my time
2016: this is dumb but I'm in it now
2021:lost everything in the subprime content crash

‘ Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) September 6, 2016

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Twitter reminds me of when you ‘re playing a video game and you walk into the villains lair and see a guy just carrying a box back and forth

‘ James (@cashbonez) October 19, 2016

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me: this date is going so well
also me: tell them your twitter handle
me: but
also me: do it pic.twitter.com/NCuPMYtPhW

‘ chuuch (@ch000ch) November 16, 2016

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Twitter plays an important role for me. After disappointing everyone I know IRL, I now have a medium that lets me also disappoint strangers

‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) September 17, 2016

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date: i exercise quite a bit, are you active?
me: yes
narrator: on twitter

‘ Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 3, 2016

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joyce carol oates blocked me on twitter. even tho i love her band Hall & Oates and eat oatmeal often . baffling to me

‘ beth mccoll (@imteddybless) October 24, 2016

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“Yes officer I have my license right here.” I reach into my pocket, pull out my middle finger. He's cracking up, I tell him about my twitter

‘ vineyille (@vineyille) September 5, 2016

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Friday night Twitter is like Tuesday nights on Pinterest except there's no hand made socks and your mother isn't crying.

‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) September 30, 2016

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When a bunch of dogs in your neighborhood start barking, go ahead and join in. Dog Twitter is awesome.

‘ Mike Primavera (@primawesome) November 16, 2016

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Me: I hope the nightmare face doesn't come

{@} {@}

?

: Yo

Me: I have 140 characters how do we even talk?

‘ Captain Antagonist ? (@AnOrangeSNES) November 14, 2016

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Tony Hawk came to my high school and said he owed it all to drugs but no one found out because we didn't have twitter yet

‘ Daniel Kibblesmith ?? (@kibblesmith) November 27, 2016

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i combat twitter plagiarism by writing tweets nobody else would possibly want to claim as their own

‘ josh (@ruinedpicnic) August 26, 2016

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obama absolutely has an alt twitter account we don’t know about pic.twitter.com/r1TWFNpJNJ

‘ BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) September 5, 2016

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a lot of the jokes on twitter are impressive but if you think about it mine are too.

because i type them with my knuckles.

‘ Jo Firestone (@kingfirestorm) November 2, 2016