By: Jason Flowers
Each of these tweets has been verified to contain 140 characters or less.
“Twitter” is a much better name than “24-Hour Reminder That People Are Awful App.”
‘ Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) September 28, 2016
Police: can you tell us what you were doing on these dates?
Me: can I check my twitter?
‘ Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) November 2, 2016
“Can you please not mention me in your Twitter bio? You look and sound like a fucking idiot.” – God
‘ Dan Cronin (@croninwhocares) November 28, 2016
can't believe I'm in THE bathroom stall twitter was based on pic.twitter.com/Fm9Fw0VSsc
‘ Churlish (@Cryptoterra) September 22, 2016
Doctor: Show me where it hurts.
[shows him a list of the funniest people to follow on Twitter and I’m not on it]
‘ (@Sassafrantz) October 26, 2016
[first day as an astronaut]
Crew: the earth looks amazing from up here. Makes you realise how insignificant we are
Me: I'm famous on twitter
‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 29, 2016
Me on Twitter: Feelings are for idiots
Me irl: Got sad at the mattress store for the one mattress smaller than all the others
‘ Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) November 28, 2016
2011: Twitter seems like a fun investment of my time
2016: this is dumb but I'm in it now
2021:lost everything in the subprime content crash
‘ Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) September 6, 2016
Twitter reminds me of when you ‘re playing a video game and you walk into the villains lair and see a guy just carrying a box back and forth
‘ James (@cashbonez) October 19, 2016
me: this date is going so well
also me: tell them your twitter handle
also me: do it pic.twitter.com/NCuPMYtPhW
‘ chuuch (@ch000ch) November 16, 2016
Twitter plays an important role for me. After disappointing everyone I know IRL, I now have a medium that lets me also disappoint strangers
‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) September 17, 2016
date: i exercise quite a bit, are you active?
narrator: on twitter
‘ Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 3, 2016
joyce carol oates blocked me on twitter. even tho i love her band Hall & Oates and eat oatmeal often . baffling to me
‘ beth mccoll (@imteddybless) October 24, 2016
“Yes officer I have my license right here.” I reach into my pocket, pull out my middle finger. He's cracking up, I tell him about my twitter
‘ vineyille (@vineyille) September 5, 2016
Friday night Twitter is like Tuesday nights on Pinterest except there's no hand made socks and your mother isn't crying.
‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) September 30, 2016
When a bunch of dogs in your neighborhood start barking, go ahead and join in. Dog Twitter is awesome.
‘ Mike Primavera (@primawesome) November 16, 2016
Me: I hope the nightmare face doesn't come
Me: I have 140 characters how do we even talk?
‘ Captain Antagonist ? (@AnOrangeSNES) November 14, 2016
Tony Hawk came to my high school and said he owed it all to drugs but no one found out because we didn't have twitter yet
‘ Daniel Kibblesmith ?? (@kibblesmith) November 27, 2016
i combat twitter plagiarism by writing tweets nobody else would possibly want to claim as their own
‘ josh (@ruinedpicnic) August 26, 2016
obama absolutely has an alt twitter account we don’t know about pic.twitter.com/r1TWFNpJNJ
‘ BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) September 5, 2016
a lot of the jokes on twitter are impressive but if you think about it mine are too.
because i type them with my knuckles.
‘ Jo Firestone (@kingfirestorm) November 2, 2016
“Damn, 44 BC, you are relentless ‘ – Roman Twitter learning of the death of Julius Caesar
‘ Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) November 26, 2016
ME: i just can't stand that when you post an Instagram picture to Twitter, it ‘
THERAPIST: it only shows up as a link. We've been over this
‘ Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) September 15, 2016
my main goal as a dad is just to make sure my sons don't grow up to be the guys who start parody accounts on twitter
‘ Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) October 31, 2016
RT if you are my mom spying on me with a fictitious Twitter account
‘ Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) September 2, 2016
one rule of twitter that a lot of ppl don't know is please be quiet
‘ (@warmyellowlight) September 3, 2016
The next time your annoying co-worker wants to talk about their weekend plans when you ‘re supposed to be getting shit done, think about this.
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