26 Tweets About Twitter That We’re Gonna Need You To Read By The End Of The Day

Each of these tweets has been verified to contain 140 characters or less.

“Twitter” is a much better name than “24-Hour Reminder That People Are Awful App.”

‘ Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) September 28, 2016

Police: can you tell us what you were doing on these dates?

Me: can I check my twitter?

‘ Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) November 2, 2016

“Can you please not mention me in your Twitter bio? You look and sound like a fucking idiot.” – God

‘ Dan Cronin (@croninwhocares) November 28, 2016

can't believe I'm in THE bathroom stall twitter was based on pic.twitter.com/Fm9Fw0VSsc

‘ Churlish (@Cryptoterra) September 22, 2016

Doctor: Show me where it hurts.

[shows him a list of the funniest people to follow on Twitter and I’m not on it]

‘ (@Sassafrantz) October 26, 2016

[first day as an astronaut]
Crew: the earth looks amazing from up here. Makes you realise how insignificant we are
Me: I'm famous on twitter

‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 29, 2016

Me on Twitter: Feelings are for idiots
Me irl: Got sad at the mattress store for the one mattress smaller than all the others

‘ Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) November 28, 2016

2011: Twitter seems like a fun investment of my time
2016: this is dumb but I'm in it now
2021:lost everything in the subprime content crash

‘ Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) September 6, 2016

Twitter reminds me of when you ‘re playing a video game and you walk into the villains lair and see a guy just carrying a box back and forth

‘ James (@cashbonez) October 19, 2016

me: this date is going so well
also me: tell them your twitter handle
me: but
also me: do it pic.twitter.com/NCuPMYtPhW

‘ chuuch (@ch000ch) November 16, 2016

Twitter plays an important role for me. After disappointing everyone I know IRL, I now have a medium that lets me also disappoint strangers

‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) September 17, 2016

date: i exercise quite a bit, are you active?
me: yes
narrator: on twitter

‘ Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 3, 2016

joyce carol oates blocked me on twitter. even tho i love her band Hall & Oates and eat oatmeal often . baffling to me

‘ beth mccoll (@imteddybless) October 24, 2016

“Yes officer I have my license right here.” I reach into my pocket, pull out my middle finger. He's cracking up, I tell him about my twitter

‘ vineyille (@vineyille) September 5, 2016

Friday night Twitter is like Tuesday nights on Pinterest except there's no hand made socks and your mother isn't crying.

‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) September 30, 2016

When a bunch of dogs in your neighborhood start barking, go ahead and join in. Dog Twitter is awesome.

‘ Mike Primavera (@primawesome) November 16, 2016

Me: I hope the nightmare face doesn't come

{@} {@}

?

: Yo

Me: I have 140 characters how do we even talk?

‘ Captain Antagonist ? (@AnOrangeSNES) November 14, 2016

Tony Hawk came to my high school and said he owed it all to drugs but no one found out because we didn't have twitter yet

‘ Daniel Kibblesmith ?? (@kibblesmith) November 27, 2016

i combat twitter plagiarism by writing tweets nobody else would possibly want to claim as their own

‘ josh (@ruinedpicnic) August 26, 2016

obama absolutely has an alt twitter account we don’t know about pic.twitter.com/r1TWFNpJNJ

‘ BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) September 5, 2016

a lot of the jokes on twitter are impressive but if you think about it mine are too.

because i type them with my knuckles.

‘ Jo Firestone (@kingfirestorm) November 2, 2016

“Damn, 44 BC, you are relentless ‘ – Roman Twitter learning of the death of Julius Caesar

‘ Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) November 26, 2016

ME: i just can't stand that when you post an Instagram picture to Twitter, it ‘
THERAPIST: it only shows up as a link. We've been over this

‘ Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) September 15, 2016

my main goal as a dad is just to make sure my sons don't grow up to be the guys who start parody accounts on twitter

‘ Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) October 31, 2016