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By: Keaton Patti
Doctors must discover the cure for every cancer, and it has to be ice cream.
Everyone ‘s divorced parents have to get back together and mean it.
Christmas needs to happen every other day and everyone gets to celebrate and Elon Musk buys everyone the gifts and they ‘re all badass robot things.
Laundry has to do itself.
It has to rain puppies at least once. And the puppies can ‘t be hurt when they hit the ground. That ‘s what 2016 would want to happen.
Ashton Kutcher has to admit the shooting of Harambe was just for an episode of Punk ‘D and that Harambe is actually alive and well working with Bernie Sanders on political reform.
A new season of Punk ‘D must be released.
Parallel parking has to become easier. And when you successfully do it you need to get ice cream that cures your cancer, even if you don ‘t have cancer.
Everyone has to wake up more attractive or extremely attractive people have to wake up less attractive so normal people don ‘t feel as bad.
Russia has to calm the fuck down.
Facebook Live has to stop alerting you when your friends go live.
All the umbrellas that people have ever been lost have to reappear and be stronger, nicer, and wrapped in $100 bills.
David Bowie must come back from the dead and release an album that ‘s so good it kills Donald Trump and Mike Pence.
With those deaths, Bernie Sanders must become President-Elect and his Vice President has to be Harambe.
At the very least, 2016 has to apologize to all of us. With ice cream.