By: Keaton Patti

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You Are Invited To My Attractive Christmas Sweater Party

Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you ‘re invited to my attractive Christmas sweater party next Saturday at 9! You read that right. It ‘s an ATTRACTIVE Christmas sweater party, not an UGLY Christmas sweater party. Everyone and their ugly mom throws ugly sweater parties and I ‘m sick and tired of it. My ugly mom is as well, that ‘s why she ‘s helping me throw a party where only the prettiest and hottest sweaters will be allowed.

Here are some ground rules for the party:

ABSOLUTELY NO ironically ugly sweaters.
POSITIVELY NO unironically ugly sweaters.
DEFINITELY NO discussion of irony at the party.
OBVIOUSLY NO Bill Cosby shit.
CERTAINLY NO drinks on my mom ‘s piano. If you think she ‘s ugly now, wait till you piss her off.

With that out of the way, I ‘m sure you ‘re wondering: How do I know if my Christmas sweater is attractive?

It ‘s simple, before the party you take a picture of just the sweater, put that picture on or a similar website, and if it rates higher than 7 out of 10, you ‘re good to go. If not, stay the fuck home on Saturday or go to some lame ugly Christmas sweater party and realize that Jesus is looking down on you from Heaven and he knows you ‘re making fun of his birthday with your ugly sweater and he ‘s as pissed off at you as my ugly mom is when she sees an un-coastered PBR on her baby grand piano.

Some people may think this is just a joke. That they can come with an ugly Christmas sweater and I ‘ll just laugh and say that ‘s fine and let them into my party.


If you show up to my party without at least a 7 out of 10 Christmas sweater, here ‘s what will happen:

-I ‘ll say “Oh, HELL no! ‘
-Slam the door in your face.
-Grab a cup of very hot apple cider.
-Re-open the door.
-Almost throw the cup of hot apple cider in your face, but then drink it slowly and express how delicious it is and tell you that you won ‘t be having any since you aren ‘t getting in.
-Slam the door in your face.
-Go back to the fun party you ‘re missing and when they ask who was at the door, I ‘ll say “It was [YOUR NAME]. They just wanted to let the entire party know that they ‘re illiterate and thought Michael Jackson was overrated and that Guy Fieri is underrated. ‘
-The party will burn you in effigy, but not near the piano.

I think I ‘ve made myself pretty clear, so I hope to see you next Saturday at 9! It ‘s gonna be a blast! I just found the YouTube link to that Mariah Carey Christmas song everyone loves, so I ‘ll be playing that on repeat all night!

Hope you can make it!

P.S. Don ‘t tell my mom I called her ugly several times. She already knows.

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