By: Sonya Saepoff

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The Rain Throws Shade: “The Sun Sucks, Not Me!”

I ‘m not an idiot. I know what people say about me.

‘The Rain ruined my hair. ‘
‘The Rain made my socks wet. ‘
‘Now my seasonal depression is back thanks to the Rain! ‘

People subtweet hate at me all the time:

I may be the least popular type of weather, but I have feelings too and now they ‘re hurt. It ‘s too late for apologies. Obviously, what you ‘re really saying is ‘good times can ‘t come when it is raining. ‘ Well, I ‘m sorry you feel that way, but your planet (the thing you live on?) needs me.

The air that just escaped from your noise hole is thanks to me. Remember, I rain down on plants, which then grow and produce that sweet, sweet oxygen. Also, no matter where you are on the food chain, all animals eat plants or eat other animals who eat plants or eat other animals who eat other animals who eat plants, etc. You get the picture. Speaking of pictures ‘

Nobody ever Snapchats about how much they love the Rain, but people lose their shit with a string of compliments and online praise whenever there is a sliver of the Sun. But I ‘ll let you in on a secret: the Sun is a wuss. The Sun doesn ‘t even have the guts to enter Earth ‘s atmosphere, it just sends its rays to do its dirty work for it. If the Sun entered the Earth ‘s atmosphere like I do, trust me, y'all wouldn ‘t be such fans.

Despite what you ‘d expect, I ‘m not going change who I am to please the haters. I ‘m going to do me and if you don ‘t like it, too bad.

Use your umbrellas to block me out. I don ‘t care.

I ‘ll be here eons after you ‘re all fertilizer.

Go ahead, make your little complaints, shout your little ‘Aw shit, it ‘s raining! ‘ I ‘ll still be here. Not even Climate Change could run me out of town. Although, it has confused me about which parts of the planet I ‘m supposed to be and when. I forget, is it ‘never rain on areas with drought and always monsoon down on places prone to mudslides, ‘ or ‘always monsoon down on mudslide areas and never rain where there are droughts? ‘ Huh, I can ‘t remember. Weather is annoying.

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