By: Funny Or Die

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Minutes From Trump’s Meeting With Tech Giants

President-Elect Donald J. Trump met with executives of the country ‘s largest technology corporations this afternoon, including Elon Musk of Tesla, Apple ‘s Tim Cook, Sheryl Sandberg from Facebook, Jeff Bezos of Amazon, and Larry Page of Google. These are the minutes from that meeting.

Before starting, President-Elect Trump says, ‘Welcome everybody. Now will somebody explain to me what ‘Technology ‘ is? Just kidding! But, as a joke, tell me what it is! It ‘ll be funny! ‘

1:15pm – Meeting commences.

1:16pm – Tim Cook, Larry Page and Elon Musk stand on the table and circle each other silently for 15 minutes, never breaking eye contact once.

1:32pm – President-Elect Trump asks Apple CEO Tim Cook where he thinks the biggest computer is and if he can see it.

1:33pm – Elon Musk mentions his tubes.

1:35pm – Trump repeatedly asks where Mark Zuckerberg is, refusing to acknowledge Sheryl Sandberg ‘s presence.

1:36pm – Jeff Bezos: ‘Amazon would be excited to commit 50 million dollars over the next year to create three new executive jobs. ‘

1:37pm – Elon Musk mentions his tubes.

1:38pm – Trump refers to his iPhone as his ‘thumb typer twitter relay disc. ‘

1:45pm – Sheryl Sandberg: ‘Right now only 1 in 3 laptops in Silicon Valley are female laptops. That ‘s something we need to change. ‘

1:46pm – Elon Musk mentions his tubes.

1:50pm – Trump puts on big sunglasses and says they ‘re as good as any VR headset because ‘Now everything is dark and that ‘s the ultimate fright fest. ‘

1:32-1:50pm – Tim Cook stares into space with a look on his face like he ‘s passing a kidney stone.

1:52pm – CISCO CEO Chuck Robbins: ‘Can one of you remind me what CISCO is again? ‘

1:53pm – ‘Well, explain it to me like I ‘m 5 years old” is said for the 18th time.

1:54pm – Tim Cook cries after Trump ‘s repeated use of the word ‘Jobs. ‘

1:58pm – Elon Musk mentions his dang tubes again.

1:59pm – Trump: ‘Musk, your tube sounds like it could actually be a wonderful idea if you used it to flush people into the ocean. ‘

2:00pm – Trump takes a bite of an apple, looks at Tim Cook, and says, “This is YOU. ‘

2:01pm – Jeff Bezos offers everyone in the room a year of free Amazon Prime if they let him pick where they get lunch.

2:07pm – Right on time, Elon Musk mentions those gall-dang tubes YET AGAIN!

2:08pm – VP-Elect Mike Pence enters, apologizes for being late, says he ‘was sitting in an empty room down the hall. ‘

2:09pm – Satya Nadella of Microsoft: ‘Microsoft is committed to working with the Trump administration to create jobs. Isn ‘t that right, Clippy? [then, in high-pitched voice] You betcha, Satya! ‘

2:11pm – Larry Page: ‘Jobs are the goo of the American economy. And you can ‘t spell Google without ‘goo. ‘ Or ‘gle ‘ for that matter. But America ‘s gle is less important than its goo. [stares blankly into space, then] I think I ‘m lost. ‘

2:15pm – Trump asks, “How small are the genitals on sex robots these days? Cause I ‘ll tell you what ‘those holes are so huge ‘they ‘re totally biased. ‘

2:20pm – Mike Pence mispronounces technology as techolnogy for fifth time. No one corrects him.

2:24pm – Trump interrupts Elon Musk explaining self-driving cars to ask, ‘Can you use these for other jobs, too? Like say you ‘re not a cab driver ‘but you ‘re ‘doing a hard job that you ‘re not qualified for? Are there robots for that? ‘

2:46pm – Trump asks, “How small are the genitals on sex robots these days? ‘ a second time.

2:50pm – Meeting adjourns.

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