By: Keaton Patti
Dear U.S. Citizens,
We at the National Security Association act as an intelligence organization for the United States government. By obtaining, intercepting, and analyzing communications, we keep the country safe from terrorists and malign foreign powers. We exist to protect Americans from danger.
We DO NOT exist to tell Americans who has them for Secret Santa so they can drop hints about what sort of gift they want so they don ‘t just end up with a shitty $25 iTunes gift card.
We thought this went without saying. However, every December we get letters, emails, phone calls, and Snapchats (follow us at NSAisHip) to hand over the name of their coworker, friend, or family member who has them for a gift exchange.
Stop doing this. We hate it. Why make us angry? We have every bad photo you ‘ve ever uploaded into the Cloud, and we ‘ll put the worst one on your passport. We can do that. We do do that.
To be completely clear, we ‘re the National Security Association not the National Secret Santa Association. That ‘s not even a real association. We know this since we know everything. We know who really shot JFK (Hint: It ‘s not a human). We know when World War III will start (Hint: Don ‘t book a trip in April. Any April ever). We know what ‘s gonna happen in season 2 of Westworld (Hint: Robots). We know it all.
So yes, we do know who has you for Secret Santa, but we ‘re keeping it to ourselves. We have much bigger operations that we have to focus our attention on.
Would you rather us find out and tell you your boss has you for Secret Santa and already bought you a DVD copy of The Perfect Storm pre-owned on Amazon OR would you rather us find out and tell you if Russia illegally influenced the Presidential election?
Since we ‘re the NSA and have microphones everywhere, we know you just very loudly said, ‘The first one. Without a doubt. Now I ‘ll know not to buy myself a copy of The Perfect Storm on DVD. ‘
SO SCREW IT.
Our intelligence has determined that if you are currently doing a Secret Santa, regardless of who your Secret Santa is, you got one of these 5 gifts:
- A $25 iTunes gift card that actually only has $18 on it
- A pre-owned DVD of The Perfect Storm whose previous owner used it as a coaster
- Some homemade popsicle stick piece of shit
- A ‘Bazinga! ‘ t-shirt that you ‘ll love and hand down in your family for generations
- A pre-owned book version of The Perfect Storm whose previous owner used it as a napkin
Get it? No further intelligence needed.
Now please, leave us alone.