By: Shelby Slauer
Donald Trump’s 2017 New Year’s Resolutions
- Work out AT LEAST 4 times a week.
- Watch that unwatchable show Saturday Night Live less.
- NO soda!
- Limit watching of SNL to reasonable amount – once a week?
- Come up with foreign policy.
- Okay maybe some soda on Mondays and Wednesdays (if I ‘m good).
- Get 8 hours of sleep EVERY night.
- Learn to love myself more than I already love myself.
- Read more! 2017 is the year I finish a book!
- Don ‘t watch SNL live, just watch the clips that people are talking about online the next day on Hulu.
- Soda on any day but ONLY soda with no caffeine (note: look into if Surge has caffeine).
- Get a whole bunch of nukes.
- Learn how computers work – ask Baron ‘s tutor for tutorial.
- Eat healthy. More sandwiches. Maybe call Subway and get them to donate gift cards to White House? Maybe they are looking for new spokesperson post-Jared?
- Ask China to be for real with me about the climate change hoax.
- Watch SNL and comment on skits faster – people are waiting for my take on the latest skits! Need to oblige.
- Soda okay.
- Enact the goals from my first 100 days contract that I feel like.
- Be more organized.
- Finally finish reading that WikiHow article about how to be president.
- Floss.
- Call Surge soda and ‘suggest ‘ they make donation of several crates of Surge soda to White House.
- Find way to blame Hillary/Obama for when I fail to enact all of my goals from my first 100 days contract.
- Demand CIA give me the Men In Blank memory erase device to use at State of the Union to make America forget about ‘draining the swamp ‘ and other so-called campaign ‘promises ‘
- Be more organized about my flossing.
- Find another empty slogan to steal from Reagan for when ‘Make America great again”stops working.
