By: Shelby Slauer

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Donald Trump’s 2017 New Year’s Resolutions

  • Work out AT LEAST 4 times a week.
  • Watch that unwatchable show Saturday Night Live less.
  • NO soda!
  • Limit watching of SNL to reasonable amount – once a week?
  • Come up with foreign policy.
  • Okay maybe some soda on Mondays and Wednesdays (if I ‘m good).
  • Get 8 hours of sleep EVERY night.
  • Learn to love myself more than I already love myself.
  • Read more! 2017 is the year I finish a book!
  • Don ‘t watch SNL live, just watch the clips that people are talking about online the next day on Hulu.
  • Soda on any day but ONLY soda with no caffeine (note: look into if Surge has caffeine).
  • Get a whole bunch of nukes.
  • Learn how computers work – ask Baron ‘s tutor for tutorial.
  • Eat healthy. More sandwiches. Maybe call Subway and get them to donate gift cards to White House? Maybe they are looking for new spokesperson post-Jared?
  • Ask China to be for real with me about the climate change hoax.
  • Watch SNL and comment on skits faster – people are waiting for my take on the latest skits! Need to oblige.
  • Soda okay.
  • Enact the goals from my first 100 days contract that I feel like.
  • Be more organized.
  • Finally finish reading that WikiHow article about how to be president.
  • Floss.
  • Call Surge soda and ‘suggest ‘ they make donation of several crates of Surge soda to White House.
  • Find way to blame Hillary/Obama for when I fail to enact all of my goals from my first 100 days contract.
  • Demand CIA give me the Men In Blank memory erase device to use at State of the Union to make America forget about ‘draining the swamp ‘ and other so-called campaign ‘promises ‘
  • Be more organized about my flossing.
  • Find another empty slogan to steal from Reagan for when ‘Make America great again”stops working.

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