By: Pitch

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12 Sure-fire Ways To Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions

  • Don ‘t resolve to exercise more
  • Enter a Groundhog Day scenario until you succeed and learn
  • Promise yourself this is the year you ‘ll get older
  • Resolve to check your phone when you are waiting for something in a public place
  • If you want to go to the gym more, become homeless with no other showering options
  • Create fake news sites that declare you ‘ve kept them
  • Don ‘t resolve to eat healthier
  • Internalize your mother ‘s criticism to such a degree it can ‘t be drowned out with alcohol
  • Make them feel appreciated
  • Pass legislation banning the abortion of resolutions as early as 6 weeks after New Year ‘s Day
  • Don ‘t resolve to do anything remotely difficult or substantially different from your normal habits
  • Just to be safe, end every resolution with ‘or maybe not ‘

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