By: Pitch
12 Sure-fire Ways To Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions
- Don ‘t resolve to exercise more
- Enter a Groundhog Day scenario until you succeed and learn
- Promise yourself this is the year you ‘ll get older
- Resolve to check your phone when you are waiting for something in a public place
- If you want to go to the gym more, become homeless with no other showering options
- Create fake news sites that declare you ‘ve kept them
- Don ‘t resolve to eat healthier
- Internalize your mother ‘s criticism to such a degree it can ‘t be drowned out with alcohol
- Make them feel appreciated
- Pass legislation banning the abortion of resolutions as early as 6 weeks after New Year ‘s Day
- Don ‘t resolve to do anything remotely difficult or substantially different from your normal habits
- Just to be safe, end every resolution with ‘or maybe not ‘
