By: Ryan Haney
Mysterious “Hollyweed” Manifesto Provides Vandalism Motive
On New Year ‘s Eve, the famous “Hollywood ‘ sign was mysteriously vandalized to read “Hollyweed. ‘When workers were removing the prankster ‘s additions, they found the following note wedged under a nearby rock:
THE HOLLYWEED MANIFESTO
WE ARE the citizens of HOLLYWEED. WE BELIEVE in the MIND-ALTERING COMBO of COOL MOVIES and DOPE-ASS WEED. Too many movies today are TOTAL FUCKING BUMMERS that HARSH OUR BUZZ. WE DEMAND more CHILL FLICKS that are fun to watch when you are HIGH AS FUCK.
WE ACCUSE the movie studios of being, like, slaves to money. They only want to please their NARC CRITICS and create nothing for the viewing public that is BLAZED OUT OF IT ‘S SKULL and wants to have it ‘s BRAIN MELTED.
WE, THE CITIZENS OF HOLLYWEED, DEMAND more shit in movies like:
- Space travel
- That part in ‘Jurassic Park ‘ where they first see the dinosaurs
- The beginning of ‘WALL-E ‘ when you ‘re like “Oh, shit. Are they not gonna talk? ‘
- ‘Matrix ‘ slo-mo
- When Gandalf is like “You shall not come here! ‘ and the demon is like “AAAARGH ‘ and they fall into hell
- All of the car stuff in ‘Drive ‘
- That part in Interstellar where McConaughey is, like, time-traveling in that book case
- Chill-ass turtles in ‘Finding Nemo ‘
- When Jim Carey makes it out of that fake-ass dome in ‘The Truman Show ‘
WE, THE CITIZENS OF HOLLYWEED, are TOTALY BUMMED OUT by shit like:
- Everybody whispering all the time
- When Michael J. Fox ‘s mom wants to boink him
- Any Harry Potter movie ’cause that dude can ‘t catch a break
- That part in ‘The Prestige ‘ when they chop off the clone fingers
- ‘The King ‘s Speech ‘ ’cause you shouldn ‘t make fun of people with a stutter
- When that dude in ‘Whiplash ‘ is a total dick for no fucking reason
- That part in ‘The Green Mile ‘ where all the bees come out
- The end of ‘American Beauty ‘ ’cause the dude who reefs up gets shot
- Mel Gibson
WE ARE CALLING FOR an influx of DANK CHRONIC at every step in the film making process. Screenwriters should be CONSTANTLY TOKING, so-called “power lunches ‘ should happen over POTENT EDIBLES, and test audiences should be SUFFICIENTLY HOT-BOXED.
WE ENVISION a world where DOPE MOVIES will make people want to GET STONED, which will inspire them to make MORE DOPE MOVIES. But until the entertainment industry has a SELF-PROPELLING CANNABIS CULTURE, WE, THE CITIZENS OF HOLLYWEED, put forth the following movie pitches as a means to prime the pump:
- A local weatherman who finds out he can play a rainbow like a piano.
- A ‘Ghostbusters ‘ reboot, but from the point of view of the ghosts
- A woman who can turn into a bird to solve crimes
- James Bond, but way less confusing
- Nuns who play hockey against Satan
You can take down our sign, but it will always be HOLLYWEED IN OUR HEARTS AND LUNGS!
LIVE FREE AND HIGH!
THE CITIZENS OF HOLLYWEED