By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets have set some lofty goals, but are finally ready to follow-thru.
People be surprised when I tell em I have a 4.0 GPA while working & maintaining an active social life, but anything is possible when you lie
‘ David (@davidboomin) December 18, 2016
my credit card company assumed somebody stole my card because i bought a nice shirt yesterday
‘ Stefan Heck (@boring_as_heck) January 2, 2017
My son thinks the guy from “Man V. Food” is literally named “Man” & it's ok cuz I can only really pay for one kid's college education.
‘ Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 31, 2016
I rolled my eyes so hard I ended up back in 1989. please, someone come get me. people are smoking in restaurants and I'm cold
‘ Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) December 8, 2016
The definition of insanity is starting a subtitled Netflix series like you can stop looking at your phone for more than 4 seconds
‘ Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) December 31, 2016
I know it's kinda old fashioned, but before proposing to my wife, I met with her father and just obliterated him in a rap battle.
‘ jordan (@jordan_stratton) December 30, 2016
This bike looks like the girl he is with's boyfriend came home early. pic.twitter.com/08kLX0WXXG
‘ Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) January 2, 2017
she: i have sold my beautiful hair to buy ye this chain
he: alas love, i have sold my watch to-wait who bought your hair
she: idk some perv
‘ dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) December 19, 2016
I'm amazed football players don't fumble on literally every play. One time I tripped on a curb and both of my shoes fell off.
‘ Aaron Chewning (@AaronChewning) December 18, 2016
What if “the CW” stood for “Cream of Wheat”
‘ Megan Amram (@meganamram) December 19, 2016
Fastening a pendant around my son's neck before dying for him, “Keep this always. The audience won't recognize you as an adult without it”
‘ ghost mom (@radtoria) December 18, 2016
I like having a Christmas tree mainly because it feels nice to not to be the only thing slowly dying in my living room
‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) December 18, 2016
The next year is just gonna be alternating incidents of racial violence and everyone online taking turns going “see??”
‘ extremely online guy (@nickmullen) January 6, 2017
Crushed ice is just regular ice who's mom made out with her boyfriend.
‘ Sissy Stevens (@NoHickeys) December 16, 2016
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
‘ Ian Sausage (@stephenjmolloy) December 14, 2016
Can't help but feel we're playing with fire here. pic.twitter.com/dqbYSmwLkx
‘ Niall Gooch (@niall_gooch) December 19, 2016
Janet Jackson just had her first baby at 50. I stand up every hour because an app tells me to.
‘ shauna (@goldengateblond) January 3, 2017
Millions of Trump voters won't have health insurance much longer, but at least they'll be able to shoot disease in the face with their guns.
‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) January 5, 2017
republicans won't be happy until women can give birth to a gun
‘ jhorts (@dearjhonletter) January 6, 2017
I like bagels because they are empty inside just like me
‘ Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) January 4, 2017
Jesus! Do I have to eat EVERYTHING around here?!
‘ Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) January 1, 2017
i imagine my dog spends a lot of time thinking about how tall i am and how great it is to have a giant as a best friend who can reach treats
‘ audrey honeydrone (@SINGING_GHOSTS) December 14, 2016
It's not a hat is it? It's fucking spaghetti again isn't it? pic.twitter.com/YE6syg8Z5Z
‘ markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) December 7, 2016
“name a salad after me when i die. use regular ass lettuce.” – actual quote from julius caesar
‘ jonathan (@senderblock23) January 4, 2017
Corn gets away with being so lazy. It’s like 90% cob. We’d never accept that kind of inefficiency from potatoes.
‘ Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) January 3, 2017
Honk if you've got Goose Disease.
‘ Daniel Spenser (@DanSpenser) January 1, 2017
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
‘ bobby (@bobby) December 8, 2016