27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #65

People be surprised when I tell em I have a 4.0 GPA while working & maintaining an active social life, but anything is possible when you lie

‘ David (@davidboomin) December 18, 2016

my credit card company assumed somebody stole my card because i bought a nice shirt yesterday

‘ Stefan Heck (@boring_as_heck) January 2, 2017

My son thinks the guy from “Man V. Food” is literally named “Man” & it's ok cuz I can only really pay for one kid's college education.

‘ Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 31, 2016

I rolled my eyes so hard I ended up back in 1989. please, someone come get me. people are smoking in restaurants and I'm cold

‘ Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) December 8, 2016

The definition of insanity is starting a subtitled Netflix series like you can stop looking at your phone for more than 4 seconds

‘ Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) December 31, 2016

I know it's kinda old fashioned, but before proposing to my wife, I met with her father and just obliterated him in a rap battle.

‘ jordan (@jordan_stratton) December 30, 2016

This bike looks like the girl he is with's boyfriend came home early. pic.twitter.com/08kLX0WXXG

‘ Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) January 2, 2017

she: i have sold my beautiful hair to buy ye this chain
he: alas love, i have sold my watch to-wait who bought your hair
she: idk some perv

‘ dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) December 19, 2016

I'm amazed football players don't fumble on literally every play. One time I tripped on a curb and both of my shoes fell off.

‘ Aaron Chewning (@AaronChewning) December 18, 2016

What if “the CW” stood for “Cream of Wheat”

‘ Megan Amram (@meganamram) December 19, 2016

Fastening a pendant around my son's neck before dying for him, “Keep this always. The audience won't recognize you as an adult without it”

‘ ghost mom (@radtoria) December 18, 2016

I like having a Christmas tree mainly because it feels nice to not to be the only thing slowly dying in my living room

‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) December 18, 2016

Crushed ice is just regular ice who's mom made out with her boyfriend.

‘ Sissy Stevens (@NoHickeys) December 16, 2016

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

‘ Ian Sausage (@stephenjmolloy) December 14, 2016

Can't help but feel we're playing with fire here. pic.twitter.com/dqbYSmwLkx

‘ Niall Gooch (@niall_gooch) December 19, 2016

Janet Jackson just had her first baby at 50. I stand up every hour because an app tells me to.

‘ shauna (@goldengateblond) January 3, 2017

Millions of Trump voters won't have health insurance much longer, but at least they'll be able to shoot disease in the face with their guns.

‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) January 5, 2017

republicans won't be happy until women can give birth to a gun

‘ jhorts (@dearjhonletter) January 6, 2017

I like bagels because they are empty inside just like me

‘ Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) January 4, 2017

Jesus! Do I have to eat EVERYTHING around here?!

‘ Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) January 1, 2017

It's not a hat is it? It's fucking spaghetti again isn't it? pic.twitter.com/YE6syg8Z5Z

‘ markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) December 7, 2016

“name a salad after me when i die. use regular ass lettuce.” – actual quote from julius caesar

‘ jonathan (@senderblock23) January 4, 2017

Honk if you've got Goose Disease.

‘ Daniel Spenser (@DanSpenser) January 1, 2017

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

‘ bobby (@bobby) December 8, 2016