By: Ryan Haney

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Republican Options To Replace Obamacare

The new Republican Congress is eager to repeal Obamacare, but critics say that GOP lawmakers don ‘t have any intention of putting a new healthcare plan in its place.

But of course they do! Has the GOP ever left millions of vulnerable Americans out to dry? No way, Jose! Here are just a couple of healthcare programs they ‘re kicking around the caucus ‘

Run In With Health – A new initiative that encourages Americans to seek medical advice about the blood in their stool from health professionals they happen to bump into on airplanes or in line at Target.

You Want A Washcloth? – Hot or cold. Forehead or neck. Finally, YWAW? is bringing a little choice back into the healthcare market place.

Get Sniffed By A Dog – They say that dogs can smell diseases in humans. We sure hope that ‘s true, because we ‘re bringing over a lab and letting it get a good whiff of that bum ticker of yours.

Rub Some Dirt On It – A comprehensive network of local Little League coaches who will verbally berate you until you rub a handful of dirt on the mysterious lump forming on your spine.

Big Glasses of Milk – Milk builds strong bodies, so watch out HPV! America ‘s Dairyland is coming for ya!

Get An Organ Out – With GAOO, you can personally decide what internal organ you think has a bacterial infection and a team of doctor-like professionals will remove it for you AND fill in the void with bathtub grout.

A Bag of Wigs – The quickest way to start feeling your best is to look your best. After enrolling in ABOW, take one look in the mirror and ask yourself ‘Could a man with such full and luscious locks really be suffering from kidney failure? ‘ I don ‘t think so!

The Dodgeball Blooper Reel – If laughter really is the best medicine, then your colon cancer should be in remission the first time Ben Stiller catches one in the nads.

The American Medicine Depository – A large, cardboard box located outside the Lincoln Monument in Washington, D.C. where citizens can come to rifle through bottles of expired prescriptions collected from medicine cabinets around the country. Keep digging! The treatment for your childhood diabetes has gotta be in there somewhere!

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