By: Kelly Hudson
In lieu of the hearings typical for cabinet nominee selections in the past, Donald Trump, who owns the Miss USA pageant, has elected to hold a special Miss USA-style Cabinet Pageant. Funny or Die has been given exclusive access to the pageant participants as they experience the completely unnecessary competition.
‘I ‘m trying to find a way to tell my wife about what I ‘ve been asked to do. We are going to have to model swimsuits and gowns and stuff, ‘ said Homeland Security Secretary hopeful, Gen. John F. Kelly.
Backstage, the ‘contestants ‘ ready themselves for the pageant, their sashes all reflecting the position they hope to or will already hold. Apparently, Trump has been present for most of the preparations.
‘Well, sure I ‘m glad we aren ‘t required to have background checks. Somehow Trump made them skip that part, but he just keeps hanging out back here while we ‘re changing. If this is what it takes to be a part of his cabinet, I ‘ll do it, but Jesus Christ, ‘ said potential Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, as he carefully applied his eyeliner.
When asked who would ‘win ‘ the pageant, Trump said ‘It ‘s not about winning or losing here. But we ‘ll get to see some hot little bodies in the process. ‘ Trump is also requiring his already appointed cabinet members who do not require Senate confirmation to participate in the pageant.
‘I ‘m actually getting pretty nervous about the question segment of the pageant. I spent most of the holidays practicing my responses with my secretary, ‘ said Steve Bannon who will become President Trump ‘s Chief Strategist.
Steve Harvey hosted the pageant but later claimed he had no memory of the event.