27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #66

The whole purpose of travel is to return home and discover what your house actually smells like.

‘ Alex Baze (@bazecraze) January 4, 2017

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The only time I am truly present is when my credit card is in the card reader and i'm waiting for it to be approved.

‘ Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) January 8, 2017

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I started doing yoga and some guy from Comcast has been leaving letters saying I have “outstanding balance” which is sweet but creepy af.

‘ Tinker Elle (@elle91) January 7, 2017

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I make fun of Trump voters for being dumb but sometimes I see a car inside a mall and I'm like, “How the hell did they get that in here?!”

‘ Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) January 8, 2017

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This dog looks like it just got done challenging you to a dance off and now it's your turn. pic.twitter.com/lFlarElaIN

‘ Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) January 4, 2017

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daniel radcliffe's family were just known as the cliffe's until his great grandfather invented the kick flip

‘ the high class soap boy (@trojansauce) January 10, 2017

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do u think ryan seacrest has a harry potter themed bdsm dungeon called the chamber of seacrest

‘ erin chack (@ErinChack) January 10, 2017

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if i had a nickel for every negative thought in my brain, i'd still be a loser with a bunch of nickels

‘ Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 10, 2017

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MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED

‘ Sarah Lyons (@sarbeaaaar) January 3, 2017

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It’s been a couple of decades. I’m starting to suspect we’ll never find out if they are giants or not.

‘ Lane Helms Deep (@LaneNotLame) January 5, 2017

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one time I was sexting this girl she said “I ain't got nothing on but deodorant” and man that gotta be the least sexiest way to say u naked

‘ Victor Pope Jr (@VictorPopeJr) January 5, 2017

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in some cultures, replying to someone's movie quote with the appropriate GIF is considered a marriage proposal

‘ infinity + 1 (@stuckinaportal) January 11, 2017

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Don't even try telling me there's nothing going on between Mama Berenstain Bear and the family dentist. pic.twitter.com/Oz0qtbn9I8

‘ Elliott Kalan (@ElliottKalan) January 7, 2017

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sing us a song, you're the piano man
a piano crossed with a man
you weep in your cage and beg for death
but that's not our experiment's plan

‘ michael lutz, skittish leaping gallant (@WarrenIsDead) January 10, 2017

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When I hit the “Blockbuster” button on my Roku, my TV shows an abandoned building when a raccoon is giving birth on a pile of Face/Off DVDs. pic.twitter.com/vIdpujx3zI

‘ Jordan_Morris (@Jordan_Morris) January 8, 2017

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The only tattoos I regret are the ones I got on my back & on my baby.

‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 12, 2017

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cute girl: hey
me: hmm… this must be fake news

‘ goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) January 11, 2017

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*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

‘ Lisa Marie ?? (@xLiserx) December 5, 2016

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I'd describe my style of dress as “I hope nobody I know sees me getting this burrito”

‘ Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) January 11, 2017

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IT IS MY LIFELONG DREAM TO POUR COFFEE INTO A COFFEE MAKER TO MAKE MORE COFFEE JUST TO SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE.

‘ Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) January 11, 2017

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(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)

‘ Mike F (@mikefossey) January 6, 2017

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I wish you were here at this bar to see how delightful I'm being and also maybe to stop me.

‘ Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) December 30, 2016

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every time your refrigerator door is left open for more than 30 seconds a dad you've never met mysteriously develops acid reflux

‘ eric (@ericsshadow) January 10, 2017

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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve's Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

‘ RM (@dorsalstream) January 6, 2017

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“Don't worry, Barack. I left the Lincoln bedroom just how Donald likes it.” pic.twitter.com/tAxjxz2l5T

‘ Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) January 11, 2017

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If Meryl Steep keeps attacking the President she will eventually become the President. That’s how it went last time. Those are the rules now

‘ elan gale (@theyearofelan) January 9, 2017

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[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

‘ Ygrene (@Ygrene) January 9, 2017