By: Jason Flowers
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #66
This week ‘s tweets are excited to take advantage of the long weekend.
The whole purpose of travel is to return home and discover what your house actually smells like.
‘ Alex Baze (@bazecraze) January 4, 2017
The only time I am truly present is when my credit card is in the card reader and i'm waiting for it to be approved.
‘ Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) January 8, 2017
I started doing yoga and some guy from Comcast has been leaving letters saying I have “outstanding balance” which is sweet but creepy af.
‘ Tinker Elle (@elle91) January 7, 2017
I make fun of Trump voters for being dumb but sometimes I see a car inside a mall and I'm like, “How the hell did they get that in here?!”
‘ Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) January 8, 2017
This dog looks like it just got done challenging you to a dance off and now it's your turn. pic.twitter.com/lFlarElaIN
‘ Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) January 4, 2017
daniel radcliffe's family were just known as the cliffe's until his great grandfather invented the kick flip
‘ the high class soap boy (@trojansauce) January 10, 2017
do u think ryan seacrest has a harry potter themed bdsm dungeon called the chamber of seacrest
‘ erin chack (@ErinChack) January 10, 2017
if i had a nickel for every negative thought in my brain, i'd still be a loser with a bunch of nickels
‘ Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 10, 2017
MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED
‘ Sarah Lyons (@sarbeaaaar) January 3, 2017
It’s been a couple of decades. I’m starting to suspect we’ll never find out if they are giants or not.
‘ Lane Helms Deep (@LaneNotLame) January 5, 2017
one time I was sexting this girl she said “I ain't got nothing on but deodorant” and man that gotta be the least sexiest way to say u naked
‘ Victor Pope Jr (@VictorPopeJr) January 5, 2017
in some cultures, replying to someone's movie quote with the appropriate GIF is considered a marriage proposal
‘ infinity + 1 (@stuckinaportal) January 11, 2017
Don't even try telling me there's nothing going on between Mama Berenstain Bear and the family dentist. pic.twitter.com/Oz0qtbn9I8
‘ Elliott Kalan (@ElliottKalan) January 7, 2017
sing us a song, you're the piano man
a piano crossed with a man
you weep in your cage and beg for death
but that's not our experiment's plan
‘ michael lutz, skittish leaping gallant (@WarrenIsDead) January 10, 2017
When I hit the “Blockbuster” button on my Roku, my TV shows an abandoned building when a raccoon is giving birth on a pile of Face/Off DVDs. pic.twitter.com/vIdpujx3zI
‘ Jordan_Morris (@Jordan_Morris) January 8, 2017
The only tattoos I regret are the ones I got on my back & on my baby.
‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 12, 2017
cute girl: hey
me: hmm… this must be fake news
‘ goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) January 11, 2017
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
‘ Lisa Marie ?? (@xLiserx) December 5, 2016
I'd describe my style of dress as “I hope nobody I know sees me getting this burrito”
‘ Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) January 11, 2017
IT IS MY LIFELONG DREAM TO POUR COFFEE INTO A COFFEE MAKER TO MAKE MORE COFFEE JUST TO SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE.
‘ Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) January 11, 2017
(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)
‘ Mike F (@mikefossey) January 6, 2017
I wish you were here at this bar to see how delightful I'm being and also maybe to stop me.
‘ Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) December 30, 2016
every time your refrigerator door is left open for more than 30 seconds a dad you've never met mysteriously develops acid reflux
‘ eric (@ericsshadow) January 10, 2017
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve's Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
‘ RM (@dorsalstream) January 6, 2017
“Don't worry, Barack. I left the Lincoln bedroom just how Donald likes it.” pic.twitter.com/tAxjxz2l5T
‘ Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) January 11, 2017
If Meryl Steep keeps attacking the President she will eventually become the President. That’s how it went last time. Those are the rules now
‘ elan gale (@theyearofelan) January 9, 2017
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
‘ Ygrene (@Ygrene) January 9, 2017
Tig Notaro And Megan Mullally Want To Host Things
Tig Notaro would like to host the Academy Awards, and Megan Mullally would like to have a late night show, please.
Hipster Shore – Coachella Tickets
After a big party, the hipsters wake up to their worst nightmare…they lost their Coachella tickets.
Hobby Lobby Responds
The crafting store gives a perfectly logical explanation for why they won’t cover birth control and reproductive counseling for women.
!!!!!!! [BxB] [EPISODE 1] !!!!!!!
Gabe Liedman and Jenny Slate are a writing team, performing duo, and platonic life-partners. But they’ve never seen each other naked. They have medium/OK personalities and neither one eats bugs.
In Mexico, the word ‘palomitas ‘ means two different things
This 80 ‘s language video will teach us that, in Mexico, ‘the word ‘palomitas ‘ ‘has various meanings. Join ‘Superholly on this very important lesson. ‘