By: Alex Pearson

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Leaked: Joe Biden ‘s Presidential Pardon Suggestion List


I heard you ‘re pardoning people. That ‘s fantastic. I have a few suggestions you should really consider. Took me two and a half ice cream cones to come up with these. Take a look.

  1. The Hamburglar ‘ It ‘s a symbolic gesture. What ‘s the maximum sentence for stealing a burger anyway? How great would it be for Michelle if we pardoned him on the condition he promised to start stealing from farmers markets instead?

  2. The Suicide Squad ‘ Duh. I know they aren ‘t real people. I ‘m talking about creating an actual real-life suicide squad. Like, we get O.J. and Bernie Madoff and that crazy astronaut in the diaper and a few other ones, and we send them to fight ISIS or whatever. We can both take credit.

  3. All the dogs in the pound ‘ Come on. Don ‘t be a jerk.

  4. All the wolves and bears in the zoo ‘ Think about it. They would owe us one.

  5. The kid from the murder podcast the other year– We never did that, right?

  6. And the guy from the Netflix thing ‘ It was in like Minnesota or Michigan, and there were two cool lawyers. That ‘s all I remember off the top of my head, but you know what I ‘m talking about.

  7. Me, Joe Biden– Time to come clean. I stole a lot of stuff from the White House: toilet paper, several mugs, a bunch of Secret Service sunglasses, a framed picture of the one president with the fluffy white sideburns, the list goes on. And they ‘re going to pin that huge grape juice stain on the carpet on me eventually. Please. I need this. I ‘m too pretty to go to prison.

Thanks for your consideration, Barack. And thanks again for that medal. It ‘s nice and heavy. Thinking about putting it under my pillow. How many nickels do you think the Tooth Fairy will give me for it?

Your bud,

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