By: Jasmine Pierce
Yes, yes, it is I, the Oracle of Delphi.
You remember me. When Oedipus was told he would kill his dad and fuck his mom? THAT WAS ME! I am the #1 Oracle in the nation, or any nation, because there are not many of us and I ‘m the only one people can remember. So they all come runnin ‘ to me.
But now I am here to impart less exciting news.
I have been humbly relaying the future to inquiring parties and powerful leaders since long before there were men on earth. And on his first day, as I do with any other major leader, I attempted to impart my knowledge and wisdom on America ‘s President Trump. His response?
“LA LA LA I ‘M NOT LISTENING! YOU CAN ‘T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! ‘
Listen, I ‘ve had my fair share of hubristic men disregard my wisdom, but never flat out reject hearing it. Does this bitch know who the fuck I am? Do you know what ended up happening to my friend Oeddie? That ‘s right, he killed his dad and he FUCKED HIS MOM. That ‘s what happens when you don ‘t listen to me. Or when you do listen to me. It happens either way is the point!
I swear, when he was talking over me, I heard him say, “I don ‘t have to listen to a girl! ‘ Seriously?!
I shouldn ‘t even get mad. We all know how this ends. Well, at least I do. Unfortunately, I ‘m bound by the laws of the gods only to reveal each person ‘s future to that person. But let me just be gets his in the end.
So I ‘m just gonna sit back and chill and watch this show unfold. I still get to enjoy it even though I know what ‘s going to-
You know what? Trump is the worst! And I mean THE worst. I ‘ve talked to Hitler and Mussolini and all the rest of them. Trump won ‘t kill the most people, but he definitely sucks the most.
It was very clear that he wasn ‘t listening to me because I ‘m a woman. Oh I ‘m sorry! Is my all-knowing, all-seeing vagina too feminine for you? Because I ‘ve spoken to men my entire life and I promise you, they don ‘t know anything! Even easy stuff! It ‘s astonishing, really.
Sorry to be ranting, I just don ‘t have many people to talk to. I live on a mountain, it ‘s cold, and I always tell visitors how they ‘re going to die. So I don ‘t get visitors very often.
Anyway, hopefully Trump will see the error of his ways one day. Well, I mean, I know he ‘ll see. I can see whole future.
Don ‘t you worry, he gets his.