By: Dashiell Driscoll
7 Reasons To Follow Half An Onion In A Ziploc Bag Instead Of Donald Trump On Twitter
A new Twitter account @HalfOnionInABag, that ‘s just half an onion in a Ziploc bag, has been created with one clear mission: to get more followers than President Donald Trump. Here are seven reasons you should follow this half an onion in a Ziploc bag on Twitter.
1) This Half An Onion In A Ziploc Bag Is Really Good At Twitter
The biggest reason you should follow @HalfOnionInABag on Twitter is this half an onion in a Ziploc bag is really good at Twitter. Boasting an impressive 572,000 followers at the time I ‘m writing this, it ‘s safe to say that @HalfOnionInABag didn ‘t rack up that social body count on concept alone. Yes, a lot of people are following this thing primarily to stick it to Donald Trump, but this half an onion keeps firing off fun sassy tweets that will make your timeline a better place. Here are a few for your viewing pleasure.
Damn, those are some pretty fun tweets that are also sassy. What a pleasure to view. Think about all the garbage accounts you ‘ve followed for years, then take a deep breath and come to terms with the fact that half an onion in a Ziploc bag is better at Twitter than everyone you know including yourself.
2) Following Half An Onion In A Ziploc Bag On Twitter Is Good Clean Fun
The act of following an inanimate object cut in half inside a Ziploc bag on Twitter is fun and silly. Whether you agree with Trump or not, we could all benefit from a little laughter for no particular reason and clicking the follow button on @HalfOnionInABag is guaranteed to accomplish that mission. Smiling and being happy, even momentarily, is a good reason to do just about anything. The obvious exceptions include things that would hurt someone else and also you smoking crack.
3) Following This Half An Onion In A Ziploc Bag Is A Peaceful Form Of Protest
Peaceful protests are HOT right now, you guys! Millions of people marched over the weekend and Greenpeace hung a giant banner behind the White House this morning. Following @HalfOnionInABag on Twitter is the latest fun way to hop on the peaceful protest bandwagon. I emphasize peaceful since, satisfying as it might be, punching a Nazi in the face is not the way to get through the next four years. Also, following @HalfOnionInABag is super easy. It took me less than two seconds to do it. Stuff that ‘s both easy and makes you feel good is a no brainer. Just as long as that stuff doesn ‘t hurt anyone or involve you smoking crack.
4) Unlike Trump, This Half An Onion In A Ziploc Bag Actually Represents The People
I know Trump ran on a campaign of representing the common man, but the guy shits into a gold toilet inside of a gold tower with his name in gold on the side of the building. He couldn ‘t be further from the average Joe. This half an onion in a Ziploc bag has no money, is trapped inside an invisible prison, is damaged goods wasting its short life on social media, and will make you cry if you get too close to it. That sounds substantially more relatable.
5) Following This Half An Onion In A Ziploc Bag Will Annoy Trump And That ‘s Hilarious
White House aides keep saying President Trump is increasingly upset by televised reports about his poorly attended inauguration, especially when contrasted with the extraordinary attendance at the Women ‘s March. They also say he ‘s obsessed with Twitter (ya think?) and lets comments on the social media platform regularly get under his skin. So a Twitter account potentially having a bigger following than his own, and that Twitter account being half an onion in a Ziploc bag, is the perfect storm of things that will piss him off. Even though the half an onion is 21.5M followers behind Trump, the idea that Trump is at all concerned about or bothered by half an onion in a Ziploc bag is wildly funny. Wait, never mind, I forgot he has the nuclear launch codes and might legitimately blow up the world if he gets too pissed off. It ‘s actually scary as hell. But it ‘s also still funny. It ‘s terrifying and funny and life is worth living because of wonderfully confusing dualities.
6) It ‘s Not Like You ‘ve Got Anything Better To Do Than Follow Half An Onion In A Ziploc Bag On Twitter
Don ‘t act like you have anything better to do today than follow half an onion in a Ziploc bag on Twitter. What else were you going to do? Read a book? You haven ‘t read a book in nine years. The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves and the sooner you can accept that following @HalfOnionInABag is right up there with the most productive ways you ‘ll use your time today, the happier you ‘ll be in the long run. Click the follow button and finally start to invest in your future.
7) I Don ‘t Have A Seventh Reason You Should Follow Half An Onion In A Ziploc Bag
I don ‘t have a seventh reason you should follow @HalfOnionInABag. I titled this list before I started writing it and I kind of backed myself into a corner. I could go back and re-title it, or start over, but nuts to that. Spaceships don ‘t have rear view mirrors, Andre 3000 taught me. In conclusion, go follow this half an onion in a Ziploc bag. Or don ‘t. I ‘m not your boss. God bless America.