By: Jason Flowers
27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #69

This week ‘s tweets would be funny if they weren ‘t so true.
Watching a horror movie in 2017 is like bringing your own lunch to a buffet
‘ Michael (@Home_Halfway) January 30, 2017
“Look Donny, I got into my mini bar last night and ended up sleeping in an Arby's bathroom. Can we suspend habeas corpus tomorrow?” pic.twitter.com/Ue5eAlROAk
‘ Adam McKay (@GhostPanther) January 31, 2017
Just found out my cat has a private email server. Declawing her asap.
‘ Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) January 27, 2017
breaking news american national anthem has been changed to the fast music that plays when you’re running out of time in super mario bros
‘ clark kent (@CK1Blogs) February 2, 2017
breaking news american national anthem has been changed to the fast music that plays when you’re running out of time in super mario bros
‘ clark kent (@CK1Blogs) February 2, 2017
If your senator's phone lines are taken up like mine you can Seamless them $15 worth of ham along with a note pic.twitter.com/cc8kdToqUL
‘ cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) January 27, 2017
NOT NOW WITH THIS FUCKING JACKET MATT LAUER pic.twitter.com/VSHGBD9Z4L
‘ lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) January 31, 2017
Him: I hate people correcting my grammar – I've killed for less
Me: You mean 'killed four fewer'‘ Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) January 14, 2017
doctor: what brings you here today
me: my car haha
doctor: (writing in chart) “not sexually active”‘ dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 1, 2017
When I was twelve I accidentally called my teacher “mum” but then I immediately got up and let her breastfeed me so it wasn't weird.
‘ andrew (@AndrewChamings) January 24, 2017
ME: Hi I'd like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I'm flexible
‘ Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) January 15, 2017
People with big ear gauges are stupid if they don't keep mini pizzas in there.
‘ Noodles (@Dawn_M_) January 18, 2017
{commercial for spoons}
How the fuck you gonna eat that soup?‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) January 27, 2017
MY NEW JOB HAS AN ESPRESSO MACHINE AND I LOVE IT A LOT BY THE WAY DID YOU KNOW COLORS HAVE SOUNDS
‘ shauna (@goldengateblond) January 31, 2017
[first date]
HER: I really like dogs
ME: [trying to impress her] *drags my ass on the carpet*‘ Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 30, 2017
you can deep-fry anything. a turkey. a snickers. a ladle. an orthopedic shoe. a dream. i don't give a shit what you do. i'm not the police.
‘ mike (@MikeOdenthal) January 8, 2017
If video games actually influenced behaviour you'd see a lot more people accidentally jumping in the air when they try to open doors.
‘ Arena Flowers (@ArenaFlowers) January 25, 2017
and im falling asleep
and she calling a cab
while he's having a smoke
and hes also a crab pic.twitter.com/ZMv4mwEaQn‘ clowntime (@beesmygod) February 2, 2017
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
‘ andrew (@AndrewChamings) January 18, 2017
Keep an open mind but not so much that people can poke it and make your arm do weird things.
‘ Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) January 31, 2017
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it's a nacho bar inside
‘ Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) January 31, 2017
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn't asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you'd know that u were
‘ The Hyperspace (@TheHyyyype) January 27, 2017
when i find myself in times of trouble, Jerry Orbach comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: neckerchiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeef pic.twitter.com/7wvQw0BB2P
‘ Katie ?, Wasteland Seer (@jinxland) February 1, 2017
the plot of every rap video from 2006-10 was that the military worked around the clock to prevent DJ Khaled’s friends from rapping together
‘ Powerful Aura (@ByYourLogic) January 28, 2017
this may be a dumb question but is Super Bowl LI related to Jet Li
‘ Dave King (@DaveKingThing) February 2, 2017
The highest possible level of surprise is “James Corden sees the Carpool Karaoke guest he already knew was booked.” pic.twitter.com/slece5phy0
‘ Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 1, 2017
I wonder if there's a velociraptor out there that fantasizes about me as much as I fantasize about velociraptors?
‘ . (@8989belinda) January 30, 2017
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