27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #69

Watching a horror movie in 2017 is like bringing your own lunch to a buffet

‘ Michael (@Home_Halfway) January 30, 2017

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“Look Donny, I got into my mini bar last night and ended up sleeping in an Arby's bathroom. Can we suspend habeas corpus tomorrow?” pic.twitter.com/Ue5eAlROAk

‘ Adam McKay (@GhostPanther) January 31, 2017

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Just found out my cat has a private email server. Declawing her asap.

‘ Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) January 27, 2017

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breaking news american national anthem has been changed to the fast music that plays when you’re running out of time in super mario bros

‘ clark kent (@CK1Blogs) February 2, 2017

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breaking news american national anthem has been changed to the fast music that plays when you’re running out of time in super mario bros

‘ clark kent (@CK1Blogs) February 2, 2017

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If your senator's phone lines are taken up like mine you can Seamless them $15 worth of ham along with a note pic.twitter.com/cc8kdToqUL

‘ cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) January 27, 2017

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NOT NOW WITH THIS FUCKING JACKET MATT LAUER pic.twitter.com/VSHGBD9Z4L

‘ lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) January 31, 2017

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Him: I hate people correcting my grammar – I've killed for less
Me: You mean 'killed four fewer'

‘ Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) January 14, 2017

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doctor: what brings you here today
me: my car haha
doctor: (writing in chart) “not sexually active”

‘ dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 1, 2017

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When I was twelve I accidentally called my teacher “mum” but then I immediately got up and let her breastfeed me so it wasn't weird.

‘ andrew (@AndrewChamings) January 24, 2017

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ME: Hi I'd like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I'm flexible

‘ Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) January 15, 2017

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People with big ear gauges are stupid if they don't keep mini pizzas in there.

‘ Noodles (@Dawn_M_) January 18, 2017

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{commercial for spoons}
How the fuck you gonna eat that soup?

‘ kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) January 27, 2017

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MY NEW JOB HAS AN ESPRESSO MACHINE AND I LOVE IT A LOT BY THE WAY DID YOU KNOW COLORS HAVE SOUNDS

‘ shauna (@goldengateblond) January 31, 2017

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[first date]
HER: I really like dogs
ME: [trying to impress her] *drags my ass on the carpet*

‘ Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 30, 2017

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you can deep-fry anything. a turkey. a snickers. a ladle. an orthopedic shoe. a dream. i don't give a shit what you do. i'm not the police.

‘ mike (@MikeOdenthal) January 8, 2017

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If video games actually influenced behaviour you'd see a lot more people accidentally jumping in the air when they try to open doors.

‘ Arena Flowers (@ArenaFlowers) January 25, 2017

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and im falling asleep
and she calling a cab
while he's having a smoke
and hes also a crab pic.twitter.com/ZMv4mwEaQn

‘ clowntime (@beesmygod) February 2, 2017

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[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

‘ andrew (@AndrewChamings) January 18, 2017

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Keep an open mind but not so much that people can poke it and make your arm do weird things.

‘ Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) January 31, 2017

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When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it's a nacho bar inside

‘ Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) January 31, 2017

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MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn't asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you'd know that u were

‘ The Hyperspace (@TheHyyyype) January 27, 2017

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when i find myself in times of trouble, Jerry Orbach comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: neckerchiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeef pic.twitter.com/7wvQw0BB2P

‘ Katie ?, Wasteland Seer (@jinxland) February 1, 2017

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the plot of every rap video from 2006-10 was that the military worked around the clock to prevent DJ Khaled’s friends from rapping together

‘ Powerful Aura (@ByYourLogic) January 28, 2017

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this may be a dumb question but is Super Bowl LI related to Jet Li

‘ Dave King (@DaveKingThing) February 2, 2017

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The highest possible level of surprise is “James Corden sees the Carpool Karaoke guest he already knew was booked.” pic.twitter.com/slece5phy0

‘ Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 1, 2017

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I wonder if there's a velociraptor out there that fantasizes about me as much as I fantasize about velociraptors?

‘ . (@8989belinda) January 30, 2017